


All My Loving

by satans_husband



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst, Anxious Castiel (Supernatural), Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Winchester Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dean Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Depressed Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, F/M, Flashbacks, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Military Veteran Dean Winchester, Other, Out of Character, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Road Trips, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Ending, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Tortured Dean Winchester, Trauma, Traumatized Dean Winchester, Vietnam War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2020-11-25 22:40:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20919794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satans_husband/pseuds/satans_husband
Summary: AU -Dean is a Veteran of the Vietnam war and after years of being imprisoned he finally comes back home to Castiel right before Christmas, whom he lived together with before he got drafted four years ago.The fact that Homosexuality is still forbidden and Dean's PTSD are not helping the progress of finding back into the lightness of their relationship so Cas decides to go on a roadtrip over the Christmas days in the hope that they find back to being as close as before.What at first doesn't seem too difficult soon turns into something close to a nightmare for Cas, one that Dean just escaped





	1. December 21st, 1973

**Author's Note:**

> I first posted this story with the title "Pomise" but I obviously changed it and the story a little. The firt few chapters shoud've mostly stayed the same but after those I'm planning some more drastic changes, so this is just FYI.
> 
> This is a story I wrote some time before. If there are any similatrities between this and other storys, that was not my intention. It could be that I got inspired by some works but I never wanted to copy any of those.  
English is not my first language, if there are any bigger mistakes just point them out so I can correct them.  
And I decided to make the story longer since I don't like the ending that much anymore so I'll keep writing chapters :)

HE steps through the door and gets nearly knocked down by the cold air. He stops and looks at the cloudy, grey sky and the thick snowflakes falling slowly onto the ground. He hasn’t seen snow during the last two years and he takes in a deep breath of the clear and cold air. Some cars are driving on the small street next to the military airport he just left behind. He stares down the street, not knowing what he’s supposed to do now.  
“Dean?” a whisper appears behind him and he flinches slightly before he turns around, fear in his eyes until he realizes who’s standing now in front of him. “C-Cas?” he asks, not sure if he’s dreaming. Cas smiles at him, his dark hair still looking like two years ago, short, but still long enough to be lightly pressed against his forehead. He’s wearing a hoodie under his parker but still looks like he’s freezing anyway.  
“I told-no, I promised you I’d be here.” He whispers and his blue eyes stare into Dean’s green ones. “Cas?” Dean whispers again, still not believing that he isn’t dreaming and keeps staring at Cas who takes a step forward and pulls the Winchester into a strong a hug.  
“You’re home Dean.” He whispers and Dean wraps his arms around Cas before he buries his face in Cas’ neck tears burning in his eyes. He’s home, safe, he has Cas back and there’s nothing to worry about, right? “You waited for me?” Dean whispers and Cas nods, his lips pressed into Dean slightly longer hair. “I’ll always wait for you and nothing can change that.” Cas whispers and feels how Dean nods slightly.  
The snow keeps falling and buries the grey asphalt under its beautiful shimmering white. Its four days until Christmas and Cas has never been as excited for Christmas. The thought of spending those days with Dean again makes his heart jump in overwhelming joy. “Dean?” Cas realizes that Dean had started to cry, face still buried against Cas’ neck, arms still wrapped around Cas’s chest while silent sobs shiver through his body. Cas presses his lips into Deans hair and breathes in Deans well known scent. It feels so unreal, all of it, holding the Winchester in his arms again. “Dean, hey, wanna go home?” Cas asks quietly, careful not to push Dean in any direction and gives him time to answer. “I’m home.” Dean whispers while pressing his body closer against Cas’, seeking for the warmth he hasn’t felt for four long years. Cas feels tears slipping down his cheeks and he buries his face in Dean’s hair again. He won’t let the Winchester go another time.

Cas stops the car in front of their home and takes a look at Dean who’s riding shotgun. The Winchester’s head is leaning against the closed window of the Impala, eyes closed, breathing calm. Cas realizes how Dean relaxed the second he got into the car. Cas looks out of the window and at their house. He promised Dean that they would own one the second he comes back and Cas kept this promise.  
The thick snowflakes are still dancing through the cold air and the Christmas decoration in the windows with the warm yellow light lets the white house with its big window and now snow covered roof shimmer. The big garden which stretches around the house is covered in untouched snow and Cas smiles at the view. Everything will be back to normal again. No worries about Dean or anything like the past four years. “Dean? Wake up, we’re here.” Cas whispers and touches Dean’s shoulder until the Winchester flinches, nearly punching Cas. ”Sorry, I’m sorry.” He mumbles but Cas just shakes his head with a warm smile. “It’s alright Dean. No need to apologize.” Cas whispers and Dean looks at him with sad, green eyes. Cas points outside the window and Dean follows his finger, his mouth dropping open when he realizes what Cas is pointing at. “Cas is this?” he whispers and Cas nods with a bright smile on his lips.  
The Winchester opens the door of the Impala in a slow movement and takes some steps closer to the house. Cas steps into the snow next to Dean and lies one arm around his shoulders, careful not to scare him. “It’s ours Dean.” Cas whispers after a few seconds and they keep looking at the white house, looking even more beautiful with all the falling snow and the shimmering Christmas decoration.  
Dean soon leans into Cas’ touch and let’s his head rest on the other man’s shoulder, still not believing all this is happening for real, not after what he experienced the last years. He tries not to think about what happened and to just enjoy the view at the most beautiful house he’s ever seen.  
“Wanna go inside?” Cas slowly asks and Dean nods, turning around to grab his bag from the Impala but Cas holds him back. “We’ll grab it later.” Cas smiles and grabs Dean’s hand, waiting for him to turn back to facing the house before they step through the snow and stop right in front of the stairs leading up to the front door. The door is made out of wood and painted in a light grey. Cas searches his pockets for the key while Dean squeezes the other hand in excitement.  
The snowflakes are dancing around them and Dean realizes with every second that passes more and more that he isn’t dreaming.  
“Wanna come inside?” Cas asks which pulls Dean out of his thoughts and he nods. Cas slowly opens the door and leads into the comfortable looking, not too big, hallway. The yellow glow of some decorations throws a warm and calming light onto the cozy looking furniture which is made out of mahogany. Dean feels tears creeping into his eyes but he holds them back and smiles a little. When did he become this emotional? Cas smiles back at Dean and squeezes his hand slightly before pulling the Winchester into the bedroom. He lets Dean sit down on the king sized bed and realizes in sorrow how Dean instantly presses his back against the in light grey painted wall but he remains silent.  
Dean looks around the room. Next to the bed, which is placed in a corner, headboard under a big window, is a small night stand with a record player and an old looking lamp on it. On the other side of the room is a closet next to a small desk with some paper and a few pencils on it. Dean recognizes Cas’ drawing and gets up to take a better look at it. He always loved the way Cas’ portrayed things. He never uses any color, just his pencils, ‘makes me more comfortable, he used to say every time Dean asked him.  
The nearly finished drawing lying on top shows the front view of the Impala and Dean smiles a little at Cas who carefully wraps his arms around Dean before he lets his head rest on Dean’s shoulder. The Winchester grabs Cas’ hand and folds his fingers with Cas’ who starts kissing Dean’s neck softly and the Winchester leans into the kisses. “Thank you Cas.” He whispers, still looking at the drawing of his beloved car. “For what?” Cas stops kissing the Winchester for a brief moment. Dean smiles a little before he answers. “For this. The house, just everything.” he whispers before he pulls himself out of Cas’ embrace and steps into the bathroom. “I’ll get your bag out of the car, okay?” Cas asks through the closed bathroom door and receives a quiet ‘yes’ from Dean.  
Cas opens the front door and realizes how long they’ve been in the house. The snow is still dancing through the clear air but the thin layer appears to be a lot higher than it was when they pulled up in front of the house some time before. Cas grabs Dean’s bag, heads back to the house and stops to take one look at their house again, taking in the beautiful sight of it.  
“Dean, I got your bag.” Cas smiles when he enters the bedroom but stops when he sees Dean sitting on the bed again, back pressed against the wall, eyes unfocused, curled up in a too big, blue hoodie and Cas realizes it’s one of his. “I hope it’s okay that I took your clothes.” Dean says quietly. Cas just nods, leans Dean’s bag against the closet and sits down next to Dean, moving his back against the wall too.  
“How were your past years.” Dean asks in a sudden and Cas flinches. The past years were like hell. The constant worry about Dean, the amount of disappointment when Dean didn’t step out of the train like planned, the hatred because of everything, sometimes even because of his own stupid thoughts. He can’t tell Dean about that, at least not now, not the day he just came back. “They were difficult.” he answers instead and Dean keeps staring at him.  
“You alright?” Cas asks with worry after they were silent for a few minutes and Dean just nods. Cas knows that the man next to him is far from okay but he also knows that he has to give him the time he needs. They just keep sitting next to each other, backs against the wall behind them, staring at the wall in front of them.  
Cas gets pulled out of his thoughts when Dean’s head drops onto his shoulder, eyes closed, asleep. He smiles at the Winchester, a calm feeling creeping through his body. He carefully lifts Dean’s head, not wanting to wake him up now that he’s finally able to sleep. He slowly lays Dean’s head onto the pillow and pulls the blanket over his legs and chest, the he heads to the bathroom to take a quick shower before he goes to bed too.  
The hot water drips onto his head and he closes his eyes, trying to process what happened today. He got Dean back, after horrible years unknowingly of Dean’s whereabouts or if he even was alive. Years of false promises. Cas still remembers the first time they had told him Dean would come back, that was two years ago and Cas was waiting at the train station for Dean who didn’t arrive. And now he’s back but he’s not the same person he was the day he left. Cas feels tears building up in his eyes but he bites them back. Maybe it’s just today, maybe Dean just needs to realize that he’s home, save.  
Cas steps out of the shower and puts on some clothes for the night before he looks at some pictures of Dean and him from their trip to Manhattan, a ritual he did the past years. He doesn’t know why he’s doing it right now so he just stares at them. Manhattan. That’s where they could go for Christmas. Cas starts to smile and puts the photos back onto the nightstand.  
He is about to lie down when he realizes that Dean is shifting in his sleep, a bad dream. Cas carefully shakes Dean to wake him up. At first nothing happens but after a second Dean flinches, his eyes snapping open and he presses his back against the wall, trying to move away from Cas. “Dean, it’s me.” Cas whispers but moves back a little, not wanting to scare Dean even more. “It’s not real right?” Dean whispers, tears in his eyes. Cas shakes his head and leans a little closer to Dean. “Stop doing that to me.” Dean whispers still scared and Cas tries to understand what he means. “Dean what-““Stop doing this!” Dean yells at Cas who flinches back a little before he moves forward and cups Deans cheeks between his hands.  
“Dean, don’t tell me this isn’t real.” Cas says in a confident voice before he softly presses his lips onto Dean’s. He missed the feeling of Dean’s lips more than he would ever admit. He missed the excitement creeping up in his stomach when Dean finally kisses Cas back pulling a little away from the wall and closer to Cas and wraps his arms around Cas’ neck. Both of them pull away after some time to catch their breath and Dean lets his forehead fall onto Cas’ shoulder constantly mumbling apologizes into the other man’s shirt.  
“Dean it’s alright, no need to apologize to me or anyone.” Cas whispers and presses a kiss onto Dean’s head taking in the scent of the shampoo Dean used a few hours ago.  
“I have an idea for Christmas.” Cas whispers into Dean’s hair who looks up a few seconds later. “What about a road trip? We’ll start tomorrow and we’ll be in Manhattan on Christmas Eve.” Cas whispers and looks into Dean’s eyes trying to figure out what the Winchester is thinking but there is no emotion in Dean’s eyes. No sadness, no happiness, just like he’s dead with the difference that he isn’t. He sits in front of Cas a slight smile on his lips but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Dean leans forward, lets his forehead rest against Cas’ and closes his eyes.  
“We’ll work it out. We always work things out.” Cas whispers and feels how Dean nods. They stay like that for some time, foreheads resting against each other, Cas’ hands still cupping Dean’s cheeks, eyes closed, both breathing calm.  
“Wanna go to bed?” he still thinks that if he talks too loud he will scare Dean. The Winchester nods and lies back down, back pressed against the wall and Cas hopes that Dean will someday tell him what happened.  
“Cas, please stay.” Dean whispers pleading and Cas nods. “I’ll just grab something to drink. I’m back in a second.” Cas strokes his hand through Deans hair before he hurries to get a glass of water to get back to Dean as fast as possible. He sets the glass onto the nightstand next to the photos and the record player, lies down next to Dean and pulls him closer, not thinking of Dean’s new habit which is to keep his back against the wall at all cost. Dean tries to push himself back against the wall and Cas releases his grip as soon as he realizes what he’d done and moves closer to Dean who just buries his face in the crook of Cas’ neck, silent tears running down his cheeks. Cas kisses Dean’s head over and over again to calm the Winchester down until he finally falls asleep.


	2. December 22nd, 1973

CAS lets Dean sleep until he’s finished packing everything they need for the road trip. When he enters the bedroom to wake Dean up he finds him awake already, sitting on the bed, the box with all his old records in it, on his lap, a slight smile on his lips. Cas leans against the doorframe and watches Dean slipping through the records. The Winchester suddenly looks up at Cas and his smile grows wider but the Novak has to realize in sorrow that it’s still not fully reaching his eyes.  
He tries not to let his disappointment show, keeps smiling, sits down next to Dean and takes a look into the box. He didn’t touch it the past years because it reminded him of Dean and that hurt too much. There are amounts of records in it and Dean pulls out one by Johnny Cash and stares at it. “I haven’t been listening to him in years.” he says quietly and keeps staring at the record in his hands. Cas gets up and stretches out one hand so Dean can give him a record. The Novak pulls the record out of its shell and puts it onto the record player, waits a second before he presses play and ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ fills the room.  
“Are you kidding me?” Cas laughs lightly and looks back at Dean who closes his eyes, a small smile on his lips while humming to the song. The Winchester suddenly stands up, wraps his arms around Cas and buries his face into the other man’s hoodie. “Thank you.” He whispers and Cas pulls Dean closer against his chest. They stay like this until the song stops.  
They then put the record back into the box with the others before getting into the Impala and Cas starts the motor. “Ready?” he asks with a smile on his lips and looks at the Winchester, who nods and squeezes Cas’ hand for a brief moment. They head off for the five hour drive Castiel planned to stay at a hotel for the first night. “I planned to drive five or six hours every day. We would arrive in Manhattan on Christmas Eve." Cas says after an hour of them listening to music and silently staring out the windshield. “Sounds like a plan.” Dean mumbles and Cas nods.  
They just got onto the main road when Cas decides to ask Dean about what happened the past years. “You wanna talk about it?” he asks carefully not wanting to upset Dean in any way. “Not really. They said I could get someone to talk-“ he stops and keeps staring out the window. Cas turns the radio down a little before he turns to Dean again. “You think it would help you at least a little?” the Dean he knew would shake his head and start laughing about how Cas could think he’s crazy and that he should just shut up. But now he just shrugs his shoulders. “You don’t expect me to go see a therapist right?” he asks with a whisper and Cas shakes his head instantly. “No, I don’t expect you to see a therapist. I don’t even expect you to talk about it. I just think that talking about things that upset us helps. It helps me. And I want you to know that I’m always there for you and you can talk to me about it when you’re ready, even if it takes you decades, I’ll always be there.” Cas gets quieter at the end and Dean just nods. The music stops and a thanking speech, dedicated to all the soldiers who were in Vietnam, fills the car which makes the Winchester turn off the radio in a rush.  
The road’s getting emptier by the afternoon and the woods followed by miles of wide fields under the blue sky which slowly changes into a light orange and purple during the sunset. Dean insisted on not listening to the radio for a while and Cas feels his heart beat faster in excitement when Dean stopped this act, turned the radio back on and started to hum along.  
They finally stop at an old but comfy looking motel next to the road. Cas asks for a room while Dean stays In the car still listening to the radio. “I got a room. Wanna grab our bags and get some sleep?” Cas asks, excitement in his voice and Dean nods with a short grin before he gets out the car and grabs their bags.  
The room is on the first floor and both men are glad that they don’t have to get upstairs. Cas opens the door and they step into the room. Next to the door is a small window with curtains on each side. On the other side on the left is a door leading into the bathroom and in front of them is a bed standing in the middle of the room only the headboard is moved against the wall. Next to the bed are a small closet and a nightstand.  
“I just got one bed, I mean I couldn’t really tell her that you are here too, you know how they start to ask questions and-“, Cas stops rambling and takes a look at Dean who looks at the bed uneasily. “Dean, you alright?” Cas closes the door and steps in front of the Winchester to make him look at Cas.  
“Would you mind moving the bed against the wall on the left?” “No problem, let’s do it.” Cas answers in a calm voice but internally he could scream right now. Not at Dean or anyone, just to let out all his anger. He really wants to know what happened to Dean but he can’t push the Winchester to talk about it because it would just make everything worse.  
They push the bed against the wall before Dean disappears into the bathroom to take a quick shower. Once the Winchester closed the bathroom door Cas sinks down onto the bed and cups his face in his palms. He misses Dean, his Dean. He didn’t come back to Cas and he doesn’t know what else to do. ‘Give him time’ he thinks to himself and sighs. That doesn’t really help. He misses everything of Dean. The way the Winchester always teased him until Cas agreed on something, usually another hour of horrible music, or the way Dean was singing along to all his records not just humming. He misses all the time they spent together before everything went to shit, all the vacations, the nights in Manhattan, all the kisses they exchanged and placed on each other bodies, the way Dean always used to touch him-  
“You can take a shower if you want.” Dean steps out of the bathroom just wearing boxer briefs and Cas has to keep himself from staring at Dean’s now even more visible abs. Cas nods before he gets up and Dean steps out of the bathroom door to let Cas through.  
When Cas leaves the bathroom Dean is already lying in bed,T-Shirt on, back against the wall, curled up in the sheets but his eyes still open, waiting for Cas to lay down next to him.  
Cas drops the clothes he was wearing the day onto his bag which is leaning against the closet before he lies down next to Dean and moves closer to the Winchester right after turning off the light. Dean buries his face against Cas’ chest before he closes his eyes and slowly starts to fall asleep.  
Cas wakes up from Dean shivering and pressing even more against Cas body who just wraps his arms around Dean to calm him. “It’s okay Dean, I’m here.” Cas mumbles and places a kiss onto the Winchesters head. “Jus’ a bad dream.” Dean whispers but keeps pressing his face into the crook of Cas’ neck. “Wanna talk about it?” Cas tries and feels relief when Dean nods lightly. That looks like a good start to him. “I want them to stop Cas. You have to make them stop.” Dean whispers and Cas gets confused. “The dreams?” he doesn’t know what Dean means. “Make them stop hurting us for nothing.” Dean whimpers, face pressed against Cas’ neck who starts to get what Dean means. “They aren’t hurting anyone anymore. You’re safe with me.” Cas reassures Dean. “Don’t worry about that. I’m here for you.” Cas whispers into Dean’s hair and feels how Dean nods lightly. They stay in that embrace until both of them fall asleep again.  
Cas wakes up from Dean moving which makes his eyes snap open worried Dean could be suffering from another nightmare but instead he just gets up and out of bed. The Winchester walks around the room to grab some clothes and that’s when Cas realizes the thick pink stripes of skin covering nearly all of Dean’s back. How didn’t Cas recognize this before?  
“Dean?” he gasps before he realizes that he shouldn’t mention this to Dean before the Winchester mentions it himself. “What is it?” Dean asks with fear in his voice and pulls the shirt over his head as fast as possible. “I just woke up and you weren’t there.” Cas says in a whisper not trusting his voice. Dean just nods and grabs a flannel. Cas gets up not knowing what to talk about so he just remains silent while he grabs some clothes to wear before he grabs their bags and checks out of the motel.  
He gets into the Impala, Dean already sitting shotgun which leaves Cas driving again, still not saying a word they head off to the nearest diner to get some breakfast.  
It starts to snow again right before they leave the diner and Dean stops walking in front of the Impala and just looks up at the sky watching the snowflakes fall to the ground, the cold, clear air is the best thing he ever felt after twenty months of the sweaty and bloody air in the huts they were in. Cas hugs Dean from behind, slowly so it wouldn’t scare the Winchester and together they watch the dancing snowflakes falling onto Cas’ hoodie, Dean’s flannel and the Impala. They finally cut themselves loose from staring into the grey sky when they hear the door of the diner open, get into the Impala and Dean instantly turns on the radio and starts humming.  
Cas gets into the driver seat again and they head to the main road. “You excited?” Dean starts and Cas nods with a big smile. “Why Manhattan?” “If you wanna go somewhere else we can do that but I really enjoyed our last vacation to Manhattan so I thought it would be a good idea.” Cas says, glad that Dean is talking a little. “It’s awesome Cas and I don’t wanna go anywhere else. Manhattan was awesome and I’ve never been there for Christmas.” Dean says with excitement in his voice before he turns the music up and starts humming again.  
Cas is unsure if he should ask Dean about driving and with this thought the picture of Deans scarred back gets back into his mind. He really wants to ask Dean about that but he is afraid that the Winchester will lock himself in his mind even after he just got a lot more talkative.  
‘God Cas, this is so egoistic.’ He hates himself for thinking that way but he can’t stop it.  
They drive until the late afternoon and stop at the next motel. Cas gets a room while Dean gets the bags out of the trunk and he is about to enter when he stops and takes a closer look at the house. It is build out of dark brown wood which looks kind of old. Dean looks up the two stories high building and watches the snow fall onto the already in snow covered roof.  
“I told you to stay in the car.” Cas hisses at the Winchester who’s still standing outside and looks like Cas really surprised. “Sorry, Dean, I shouldn’t- I’m sorry.” Cas whisper but Dean just smiles lightly and follows Cas into their room. This room is bigger than the last one and the walls are made out of the same old wood as the rest of the house. The bed is standing in the middle of the room and Cas looks at Dean. “Wanna move the bed to the wall again?” the Winchester doesn’t answer and just stares with unfocused and scared eyes at something that isn’t really there. “Dean, hey, Dean!” Cas yells at Dean who finally blinks and looks at Cas with tears in his eyes.  
“I think I’m getting sick.” Dean suddenly says and rushes to the bathroom to throw up into the toilet. Cas kneels down beside the Winchester an gently strokes one hand over Deans back who lets his head rest on his arm.  
“Sorry.” Dean mumbles, his eyes closed while Cas slowly shakes his head. “You don’t need to apologize, Dean. Just- just talk to me.” Dean shrugs his shoulders. “The old wood reminds me of the huts.” Dean whispers, gets up and leaves Cas on his own.


	3. December 23rd, 1973

CAS stays on the floor, face buried in his hands. He should go after Dean but he can’t. He hoped that the Winchester got over what happened but he didn’t which usually shouldn’t be that surprising but it makes Cas angry. It makes him angry that he doesn’t know how to help Dean and that he himself is thinking way too egoistic. Cas hisses quietly before he gets up to look after Dean, already regretting his decision because even Dean needs some time on his own. The Winchester is wearing a grey t-shirt and sits on the bed, his back against the headboard which is the only part of the bed touching the wall. His eyes are closed and he would look calmed if he wasn’t breathing that fast. Cas slowly sits down next to him and looks at Dean. “Dean,” he stops for a second. “We can head to a different motel if that makes you feel better.” The Winchester doesn’t answer and Cas is about to say something again when Dean finally opens his eyes and looks at Cas with no emotion. “I need to get over it sometime Cas. I can’t panic the rest of my life.” He whispers and lies down, back pointing at Cas. “Dean we can move the bed against the wall.” Cas tries again hoping he could make Dean change his mind. He still feels like everything is getting worse and he just wants to run from all this and get his old Dean back. Cas knows not to push anything but he can at least hope, right? “I am fine Cas. Just sleep.” Dean suddenly says and Cas stares at his back for a brief moment before he lies down and turns off the light. Cas wakes up from someone trembling next to him and he immediately switches on the light the second he realizes it’s Dean having another nightmare. He pulls the Winchester close against his chest and tries to calm him down. “Stop, le’ me go. I can’t-“ “Dean wake up. It’s me, Cas.” Cas mumbles into Dean’s hair and he can feel Dean’s tensed muscles relax a little the second he realizes that he’s with Cas. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up man.” The Winchester whispers but Cas just pulls him closer. “Wanna move the bed against the wall?” Dean suddenly asks and they get up to move the bed against the wall to their left. Dean lies back down, back against the wall and Cas lies down next to him, facing the Winchester. “Wanna talk?” Cas suddenly asks and Dean shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t wanna push you Dean but I still think that you should talk to someone.” Cas sighs, this conversation feels way too familiar. “I’m fine. Mostly. I just need some time. And why should I talk to someone anyway? You can’t understand what happened if you weren’t there.” Dean hisses before he closes his eyes.  
“Then help me understand at least a little. You can’t bury your feelings until you break down.” Cas tries to avoid that Dean already had plenty of breakdowns over the past days. Both of them remain silent until Dean opens his eyes again and just stares at Cas for a moment. “You wanna know what happened?” he asks in a quiet but serious voice and Cas nods slowly a lump building up in his throat making it nearly impossible to talk.  
“I guess you saw the scars on my back.” Dean pauses for a second and Cas is afraid of what is about to come next but he doesn’t want to interrupt the Winchester. “They tried to get statements of us how good they treated us. They wanted us to criticize our conduct of war and I guess just break our will. They- they- just, waterboarding, beatings, all that kind of crap until we got put back into group cells or solitary confinement. Nearly all the Boys of my unit died over there. I heard their screams until they just got quiet someday.” Dean tries to regain his voice, tears now streaming down his face. “I don’t know how often they just took two to ten of us and just killed them, right where they were, in front of us, because they apparently were no good use anymore. I lost count to all the days I woke up with the thought of being with you only to be pulled back into the like blood and sweat smelling reality, in that fucking shit hole.” Dean hisses, tears still streaming down his face and Cas can’t do anything besides pulling the now shaking man close against his chest and buries his face in Dean’s hair like he did the past few days. “I don’t know how I got out. The only thing I remember is waking up in this damn hospital and a big bandage covering my whole back. I was in there for some time before I insisted on going home.” Dean whispers and buries his face into Cas shirt trying to regain control over his shaking body. Cas feels the urge to apologize to Dean but he knows how stupid it is. An apologize won’t help much anyway.  
He believed he could help Dean but right now he feels just worse and more helpless than before. “Thanks.” Dean whispers which surprises Cas who just stares at the Winchester confused. “For what?” his voice is nothing more than a whisper. “For being you, for being here, for listening. I know that you don’t know what to say right now and you don’t need to. Just- just stay.” Dean moves closer against Cas chest if that’s even possible. “Man that was hell of a chick-flick moment.” he whispers before he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. The next morning Dean wakes up to an empty bed and panic rises inside of him until he discovers the small piece of paper on Cas’ pillow.  
-I’m grabbing some breakfast. Will be back in thirty-  
Dean sighs in relief and grabs some clothes before he heads to the bathroom. Warm water runs down his scarred back and the memories of last nights conversation start to come back which makes him sigh. It’s not like it made anything better for him. It actually made him think about it one more time and it’s just too difficult to get rid of the memories again. There is a good reason why Dean usually buries his thoughts deep inside, at least for him. Not thinking about it means that he doesn’t get reminded of it and not getting reminded means he doesn’t has to deal with it which makes everything seem a lot easier. The Winchester knows that not dealing with his problems is hell of a wrong way but it sometimes makes things a hundred times easier. Cas steps into the motel room and is glad when he realizes that Dean is out of bed and under the shower. He was worried that Dean would go back to not so old habits. He sets the breakfast onto the table and sits down onto the bed waiting for Dean to finish and step out of the bathroom. The Winchester finally opens the bathroom door and sits down next to Cas. He’s wearing an old shirt of Cas who didn’t even know he kept it, and blue jeans like usual. “Are you alright Dean?” Cas looks at him and Dean shrugs his shoulders before he says something. “Can we visit Sammy today?” Dean suddenly asks and finally looks at Cas. “Sure. I was planning to visit him and Jess after Christmas Eve but if you want we can head to their place after breakfast.” Cas smiles at Dean who smiles back in relief.  
They finish the bagels Cas bought for breakfast, pack up their few things and go to the Impala. Dean immediately heads for the passenger side and curls himself up on the seat once he’s in the car. Cas sits down onto the driver seat and looks at Dean, concern in his blue eyes. Dean was obviously feeling better the past days and Cas shakes his head. He should’ve insisted on changing the motel room after Dean told him about his memories. “Wanna start driving today?” Dean lightly chuckles and Cas grins shyly before he starts the motor and heads to Sam’s and Jess’ place. “You alright?” Cas, internally slapping himself, of course he’s not. “Yeah, don’t worry.” The Winchester smiles and is back to being quiet like the day he came back in a second. Cas knows that telling him what happened just threw Dean back right into it so Cas just lets the Winchester sleep well knowing that Dean is sleeping better when he’s in the Impala with Cas. Castiel wakes him up after he stopped in front of Sam’s and Jess’ apartment. “Dean we’re here.” “What?” Dean flinches a little before he completely wakes up. Cas leaves the car expecting Dean to follow him but the Winchester stays in the car just staring at the apartment with big eyes. “Dean, wanna come?” Cas opens the passenger door and looks at the Winchester with worry. “I- I don’t know.” The Winchester stutters and Cas shakes his head. “C’mon, I guess Sam can’t wait to finally see you again.” But Dean just shakes his head like Cas did before. “I didn’t talk a word with him in like two years, Cas.” “And? C’mon he really wants to see you Dean and don’t say anything else. We’re going up there now.” Cas helps Dean out of the car and lightly pushes the Winchester to the doorbell of the apartment and rings it before Dean can protest against this decision a second time. Dean realizes that he didn’t really think it over when he told Cas that he wants to see Sam.  
The door opens in a smooth movement and Jess is standing in front of Dean who just stares at her. “Dean? Oh my god!” she sighs and wraps her arms around the Winchester who is slightly confused.  
“Is Sam here?” Cas finally asks and Jess nods before she leads them inside. Their apartment isn’t as small as it appeared from the outside. It has a big hallway leading into a comfortable looking living room with Sam standing in the doorframe looking at his girlfriend. “Who is it Jess?” he asks and Jess and Cas move aside and Sam finally sees Dean who starts talking after staring at each other for some time. “Hey man!”


	4. December 24th, 1973

DEAN closes the space between Sam and him and looks at his younger brother with a sad smile before he gets pulled into a strong hug. “Hey Dean.” Sam whispers before he lets his chin rest on his big brother’s shoulder, eyes closed. Cas realizes that Dean started shivering right before Jess pulls him out of the hallway and into the kitchen. “How is he?” she asks and leans against the refrigerator which is standing next to a window. It started to snow again and Cas watches the snowflakes dancing through the air whirled up by the wind from time to time. “Cas?” Jess pulls him out of staring and his eyes away from the window. “He’s back for a few days and we thought we’d surprise the two of you.” Cas says with a heartwarming smile, avoiding to actually answer Jess question who just starts smiling too and doesn’t push for an answer. “You planning to stay over Christmas?” hope flickers in Jess eyes and it hurts Cas to shake his head. “We planned to go to Manhattan on Christmas Eve. But I think we’ll visit you on the way back.” He keeps smiling and Jess nods slowly. She takes a look into the hallway and realizes that Sam and Dean are still there, wrapping their arms around each other like they’ll never be able to do it again. “Why Manhattan?” Jess asks after a longer pause and Cas looks up in an instant. “We’ve been there before Dean’s been oversea and we really enjoyed Manhattan.” Cas answers but looks out of the window to watch the dancing snowflakes again.  
“Do you guys need any help, I mean with covering things up or something like that?” Jess asks softly and Cas slowly shakes his head. “No, but thank you.” Cas smiles at Jess who nods reassuringly.  
“How is he?” Jess asks again, Cas just shakes his head. “It’s difficult. There are these moments where he’s happy and everything and one second later he has another breakdown. He just stops talking and I can’t touch him without scaring him like hell. I didn’t believe that he would be the exact same person afterwards. I mean you can’t expect that after what happened.” Cas stops and has to swallow the lump in his throat. “Jess, I don’t know what to do. I wanna help Dean but I don’t know what to do. I just want him back.” Cas voice breaks and is just a whisper at the end, tears burning in his eyes. He feels so bad for thinking like that but he can’t help it. “Don’t think that you can’t do anything for him. Give him the time he needs, don’t push him and make clear that you’ll be there for him and that he can always come to you and talk.” Jess hugs Cas and he nods before he leaves the kitchen to look after Dean. “Hey Cas.” Sam hugs his friend before he turns to Jess. “Cas I think Dean wants you to be with him for a moment.” Cas nods and heads to the living room where Dean disappeared into a minute ago. The living room contains two light brown sofas under a big window and a big bookshelf completely covering the right wall of the room. Dean is sitting on one of the sofas, face buried in his hands. “Hey.” Cas whispers to make sure Dean won’t flinch when he sits down next to him. The Winchester shivers lightly and moves closer to Cas who lies an arm around Dean’s shoulders, pulls the Winchester closer against his chest and Dean soon buries his face against Cas’ neck. “I can’t even talk to Sammy without crying like a little kid.” Dean whispers into Cas neck who shakes his head and wraps his arms even stronger around Deans shivering body. “What happened with me, Cas?” Dean whispers in a broken voice which makes Cas hearts aching and he feels like he can’t breathe properly anymore. “Dean, don’t” is the only thing he manages to whisper into Dean’s hair not knowing how to lighten up Dean’s mood at least a little. “I can’t get these pictures out of my head and I’ve dreamed about you and waking up to this fucking reality every time, Cas, don’t take it the wrong way, but what if I am just dreaming again?” Dean looks up at Cas who just shakes his head over and over again. “You are not dreaming Dean. I am real like Sam and Jess are. All of this,” Cas cups Dean’s cheeks with his hands to wipe the tears away with his thumbs, “is real!” he finishes with a soft smile. Dean suddenly leans forward and presses his lips onto Cas’ like Cas did the last time when he told Dean that he isn’t dreaming. Both of them sit up straight and Dean wraps his arms around Cas’ neck before he presses his body closer against Cas’. They keep kissing until Cas lets himself fall onto his back which makes Dean land onto him with a chuckle. They press their lips together once again before Dean starts kissing down Cas’ neck. Cas begins to lift Dean’s shirt which makes the Winchester pull back in a sudden. “Sorry.” He mumbles before he completely moves away from a now confused Cas. “Dean, it’s alright.” Cas says while he sits up too but Dean just buries his face in his hands once again and sighs. “I’m sorry Cas, I can’t, my back-.” Dean stops and shrugs his shoulders, which makes Cas feel tears welling up in his eyes. He saw Deans back and yet he doesn’t know what Dean is really talking about right now. “What is it?” Cas has to resist the urge to pull the Winchester close against his chest, too afraid it might scare him. “Did you see it, my back?” Dean asks after a short pause, his voice not a whisper anymore and Cas nods until he realizes that Dean can’t see him. “Yes.” he answers unsure what else to say. Dean shrugs his shoulders before he completely breaks down, Cas doesn’t think twice and just wraps his arms around the now shivering Winchester. “I don’t wanna live like that.” Dean whispers after some time which makes Cas look up. “Live like what?” Cas hopes that him asking even more questions is okay with Dean who went silent again. Dean sighs before he answers. “No matter what I do, it always reminds me of what happened. I fucked up. Man they killed all these people and I couldn’t stop it. Hell I killed people too. Some of them were-kids” Dean’s voice gets louder with every sentence before it falls back into a whisper. “I tried, Cas, I really tried but I wasn’t strong enough and-“ “Dean, stop.” Cas whispers, presses his lips into Dean’s hair and feels the Winchester shaking his head. “I should have died too, I wasn’t strong enough to-“ “Stop it Dean! You survived that shit.” Sam appears in the doorframe, crosses the room and crouches down next to Cas and Dean who slowly lifts his head to look at Sam. The older Winchester’s eyes are lightly red but he hasn’t been crying. Sam lets one hand rest on his brother shoulder. ”You survived, you are back home, you are a lot but definitely not weak.” Sam tries to reassure Dean who just closes his eyes. “But I’m the only one they sent home. I should’ve stayed oversea, should’ve helped the rest of my unit, those who were still alive. You know why they sent me home?” Dean stands up in a sudden, his face showing off his sudden anger. “They sent me home cause I wasn’t able to fight anymore cause I turned out to be not strong enough!” Dean hisses before he turns around and storms out of the living room. Cas leans back and sighs. That’s definitely not how he wanted this day to turn out. He again feels like he isn’t able to help Dean in any way especially not in working through all this. The Winchester will refuse to see a therapist as long as he is clear in his mind and he is totally not crazy. Sam sits down next to Cas and just stares at the ground. Cas catches himself thinking these egoistic things again and stands up to help Jess in the kitchen to get some distraction. “What are you cooking?” Cas stops when he sees Jess standing in front of the stove with some post on it. “Pasta, you both like pasta right?” she asks softly and Cas nods with a small smile. “Can I help you with anything?” Cas still hopes to get distracted and if it just lasts for a few seconds. “Sure. Could you set up the table and get Sam and Dean? It’ll be finished in a minute or so.” Cas nods, takes the plates and forks and heads to the room next to the living room where the table is. Cas sets the plates and forks down before he turns around to get Sam from the living room. The Winchester smiles slightly at Cas who leaves again to get Dean. He knocks onto the door of the room that Jess gave them for the time they planned to stay before they head off to Manhattan. “What?” Dean answers in a quiet voice and Cas carefully opens the door. Dean is sitting on the bed, back pressed against the headboard under a big window. Next to the bed are a small nightstand and a closet both in dark wood. Dean’s eyes are wide open in panic and his breathing goes flat. “Dean, are you alright?” Cas asks and could punch himself in the same moment for asking such a stupid question. ‘Of course he’s not alright, don’t you see it?’ says the quiet voice in his head when Dean nods. Cas sits down next to the Winchester and stares at the open door. “Wanna eat something? Jess made pasta.” Cas tries and gives Dean his time to answer. “’m not hungry.” he mumbles and Cas nods slowly but he doesn’t leave Dean’s side. Both remain silent until Dean opens his eyes a few seconds later. “Why are you still here?” he looks confused but somehow relieved and Cas brings himself to smile a little. “I don’t think you should be alone right now and I’m sorry for not being here earlier.” Cas whispers still feeling horrible for realizing this too late but Dean just shakes his head. “I’m fine. Just needed some time on my own, c’mon I’m hungry.” Dean jumps off the bed and heads for the door only to stop when realizing that Cas isn’t following. “C’mon man. I mean it, I’m fine. Let’s eat something.” Dean smiles though he knows that he can’t fool Cas but fooling himself is better than nothing. He just needs to keep telling himself that he is fine and he’ll hopefully belief it after some time. Cas slowly gets up and follows Dean to the dining room where he can smell the pasta Jess made and it makes him realize how hungry he actually is. Cas is about to enter the room when he realizes that Dean stopped, his eyes closed, breath going steady but shivering. “Dean, what is it?”


	5. Christmas 1973 Pt.1

CAS steps next to Dean and lays one hand onto the Winchesters shoulder and Dean leans a little into the touch before he pulls away in a sudden. “I’m getting sick.” He mumbles and runs into the bathroom on the other side of the hallway. Cas apologizes to Jess and Sam before he rushes after Dean. The Winchester kneels in front of the toilet, silent tears running down his cheeks by the time Cas enters and crouches down next to him. Dean wipes the tears off his cheeks and tries to smile at the other man. “Better?” Cas looks at Dean’s pale form, his freckles standing out and his eyes lightly red. “Yeah, don’t think I’m hungry anymore. I’ll just sit down with you guys.” Dean tries to stand up but gets hit by a new wave of nausea and has to throw up again. The Winchester sighs and lets his head rest on his arm before he chuckles slightly. “Guess I’ll stay in here while you go eat something.” Cas nods but doesn’t want to leave Dean on his own again. “C’mon man, I’ll call ya when I need help. Just eat something I know you’re hungry.” Dean chuckles again and Cas stands up but stays for a second longer. Dean started acting like before he went to war. Not talking about his problems and acting like he’s fine all the way. Which wasn’t such a big problem when his problems were surprisingly little compared with now. Still Cas didn’t like it back then and he won’t now. He knows that Dean isn’t fine and that is worse than Dean acting the way he did over the past days. “I’m back in a few minutes.” Cas kisses Dean onto the cheek before he joins Sam and Jess at the dinner table. He sits down next to Jess and is relieved when he is finally able to take a bite of the food. “How’s Dean?” Sam asks after Cas had a few bites of the pasta. “I’m not sure but I don’t think we’ll make it to Manhattan tomorrow, not as long as he’s like this. We can also go there for New Year’s Eve.” Cas mumbles sounding a little disappointed. Of course he is. He was hoping he and Dean could spend a nice Christmas in Manhattan but he can’t push Dean in any way. “You can stay here over Christmas and you can head off to Manhattan by the time Dean’s feeling better.” Jess says with a warm smile and Sam and Cas nod at the same time. “I’ll go and take a look after Dean, take your time Cas, I’ll call you.” Sam reassures him and Cas nods before he continuous eating his pasta.  
Deans head lies still on his arm while he tries to get the pictures out of his head. There’s blood, everywhere, on him, next to him, too much, the screams started surrounding him again bringing back the never ending fear and he can’t stop it. The nausea creeps back and he heaves his too heavy body over the toilet once again before the scenery in front of his inner eye changes. It's him and his closest friend sitting in one of the shacks, backs against the wall, bars in front of them, dividing them from the rest of their unit. All the other soldiers who've been in their cell too died over the past months, one by one, got killed or starved to death.  
Jeremy and Dean are the only ones left, on one hand hoping to get out on the other hand ready to die, ready to escape that nightmare.  
Sometimes they are able to hear the screams of the other soldiers for hours begging it all to end.  
The enemy is asking for- nothing.  
The wave of nausea hits Dean again and Dean dry heaves into the toilet. There’s nothing left in his stomach and his throat already hurts like a bitch.  
The scenery changes again and Dean finds himself in the white room with the white chair in the middle of the room.  
One blink later he’s strapped to the chair not able to move anything besides his head.  
Sleep deprivation is one of the methods they got him to talk but now there is nothing left to talk about.  
Dean remembers the two long days they got him to stay awake until he couldn’t do it anymore and had to get waken up by a bucket of ice water.  
Dean remembers the headache which felt like knifes stabbing into his temples all over again.  
He presses his eyelids together and his hands against his temples just wanting it all to stop. He didn’t realize he started screaming until Sam bursts through the door and pulls his brother up into a sitting position.

Sam wraps his arms around Dean’s torso trying to calm his twitching brother. “Dean, it’s alright, it’s me, Sam.” Dean stops twitching and pulls away from Sam  
“Sammy? You here? You have to leave before they hurt you.” Dean whispers, pain and fear like a hunted animal in his eyes.  
“Dean, I’m fine, you’re fine. You’re here, with me, Jess and Cas. No one’s hurting you, not anymore. And I won’t get hurt, I promise.” Sam whispers and pulls his brother into a strong hug.  
“Sammy please, they can’t catch you. Not you.” Dean whispers and is somewhere between clinging onto Sam and pushing his brother away.  
“Cas!” Sam yells into the direction of the dining room which makes Dean to freak out completely.  
“He’s here too? No, no that can’t be. You have to leave!” Dean looks right into Sam’s eyes when Cas enters the room and kneels down next to Sam who has a twisting and flinching Dean in his arms, not daring to release the grip even a little while trying to stay calm his own.  
“Cas, go or they’ll hurt you. All of you.” Dean whispers into Cas direction before the nausea comes crawling up his throat again and he he lets his head rest onto the toilet seat once again.  
“What now?” Cas mouths to Sam who just shrugs his shoulders, confused and out of ideas, before he helps Dean up to lead him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.  
Cas stays behind and tries to regain control of his body. Dean went back to being trapped in his thoughts and Cas has no clue how he’ll be able to pull the Winchester out of the too real nightmare and back into reality.  
Cas finally moves again though his limps feel nearly too heavy. He goes back to the dining room aware that Jess is still there unknowing of what’s actually going on.  
Jess puts her elbows onto the table to steady her head with her hands. “Sorry.” Cas manages a whisper and Jess shakes her head frantically. “No, no, don’t apologize Cas, just don’t.”

None of them expected Dean’s returning to turn out like this. They knew it wouldn’t be easy but the man who came back isn’t the same as when they said goodbye at the airport years ago.  
“Jess?” Cas asks, his voice thin and shaking which makes Jess look at the man in front of her. His face is twisted in pain and his shoulders aren’t as upright as usual.  
“Cas, what happened?” she stands up and stops next to Cas who just looks to the ground in front of him.  
“Dean thinks- he’s back there- he didn’t realize- I dunno.” Cas voice fades away and Jess wraps her arms around him and pulls him into a hug so Cas can bury his face between her shoulder and neck while she slowly strokes one hand over his back.  
“He’ll get better we just give him the time he needs.” Jess whispers and Cas sighs. He hears that all over again right now and still nothing seems to get better. It just got worse.  
Sam enters the room and Cas pushes slightly away from Jess to look at the younger Winchester. “He’s asleep but one of us should check on him every now and then.” Sam whispers, not trusting his voice, Cas and Jess just nod.  
“I’m going to bed too.” Cas says goodnight, leaves the living room and Jess and Sam on their own.  
Castiel carefully opens the door to the bedroom, not wanting to wake Dean up but the Winchester is awake, back pressed into the corner, Sam must’ve moved the bed against the side wall, and his legs pulled up against his chest arms tightly wrapped around them.  
“Dean?” Cas starts softly but the man in front of him doesn’t react so Cas just sits down in front of the curled up Winchester. “You’re home Dean. None of us will get hurt. You made it. You are the strongest man I ever knew and-“ Cas stops but Dean doesn’t react. “Dean, I- I love you so much.” Cas’ voice gets thinner and he feels tears burning in his eyes but he refuses to let them fall. “I love you too.” comes a quiet whisper from the corner and it makes Cas smile from ear to ear.  
He moves right next to Dean who nods and Cas moves closer until Dean can bury his face in the crook of Cas’ neck and shoulder and Cas starts stroking one hand through Dean’s hair until the phone starts ringing. The Winchester sighs but Cas gets up before Dean, leaves the room while and picks up.  
“Hello?” he asks while closing the bedroom door behind him. “Oh, I’m Misses Forester, I’, it’s important for Dean to know.” “You can tell me, I’ll tell him when he’s awake.” Cas reassures the woman completely aware of the fact that he’s lying. “I have to inform him about the death of- my husband, Jeremy Forester. I know he was a good friend of Dean. That’s what he always wrote in his letters” Mrs Forester pauses for a second. “He came home a few days ago and died in the hospital last night.” Mrs Forester’s voice gets thinner with every word. “I am deeply sorry. I’ll tell him for sure. Thank you for calling and best wishes to you.” Cas says quietly and hears Mrs Forester sigh. “The funeral will be on December twentyseventh. I’ll let you know the exact time and place. I’m sorry for calling this late.” Cas could swear Mrs Forester started crying and Cas feels a lump building up in his throat. “Please don’t apologize Misses Forester. It’s alright.” Cas reassures her before they wish each other a Merry Christmas and hang up.  
Cas hesitates for a brief moment but then he goes back into the room and lies down next to the now asleep Winchester. He has to tell him for sure but it’ll make everything even worse. He got all the letters of Dean, he still has them in the drawer of his desk. Dean always wrote about how nice it was to have Jeremy at his side. Someone he felt safe with. He usually finished his letters with ‘send all my loving to my baby’. Telling Cas a simple but everything meaning ‘I love you’.  
Cas sighs and looks at Dean’s peaceful looking face. “I love you.” He whispers before he slowly falls asleep too.

“Cas, Dean, breakfast is ready. And Merry Christmas.” Cas wakes up by Jess’ soft voice and he looks to his right to see Dean slowly opening his eyes before he smiles at Cas. “Merry Christmas.” They whisper nearly in synch before Dean presses a soft kiss onto Cas’ lips.  
“We’re on our way.” Cas answers Jess and smiles back at Dean. “How are you feeling?” Cas moves closer to the Winchester who shrugs his shoulders. “Not as crappy as yesterday.” “We won’t head to Manhattan today. We’ll go there for New Year’s Eve if that’s okay with you?” Cas whispers and Dean smiles and nods in agreement.  
Cas has to tell him about Jeremy but he can’t. Not after what happened the day before. He can’t let Dean be sad again but he isn’t a good liar either and hiding it from Dean any longer won’t work out.  
“Cas, you there?” Dean pulls him out of his thoughts. “Man, you look sad as fuck.” Dean smiles and Cas could throw up, his stomach feels weird and a wave of nausea crawls up his throat.  
“Misses Forester called last night.” Cas whispers not knowing how to tell Dean. “What is it? Is Jeremy back home?” hope flickers in Dean’s eyes and Cas has to look away, not wanting to see the hope disappear from Dean’s eyes. “Cas?” Dean’s voice gets forced and Cas closes his eyes.  
“It is about Jeremy. Misses Forester called to inform you that-“ Cas stops and Dean keeps staring at him. “Jeremy died yesterday.” Cas whispers and waits for a reaction of Dean.  
He expected a hiss, a cry or even an angry shout but when Dean remains silent he opens his eyes.  
“Dean?” Cas can’t interpret the look in Dean’s eyes. They are blank, no emotions showing and Cas is scared of Dean falling back into his catatonic state. “Dean?” Cas moves closer to the Winchester and Dean backs away, trying to protect his head before he curls up into a small ball. “Dean, it’s me, Cas.” He should have never told him, especially not on Christmas. But he is just stupid while trying to not be too egoistic.  
Dean presses his back against the wall behind him, fear in his eyes and Cas moves back, realizing he’s the reason Dean is scared.  
“Cas, Dean. Jess and I- , Cas?” Sam stops next to the bed where Cas and Dean are on. One man curled up against the wall staring into literally nothing, the other just sitting on the bed staring at his feet.  
“I failed.” Cas slowly whispers and looks up at Sam. “A friend he had over there died and I just told him. I actually promised to tell him but now he’s like this again.” Cas started crying and Sam pulls him into a short hug.  
“We’ll find a way.” Sam starts and Cas nods sadly. He starts to lose his hope and that is definitely not good.  
“Go and eat something, Jess is still waiting, I’ll take care of Dean. You really need some time on your own Cas.” Sam reassures him with a soft smile before he leads Cas out of the room.  
“Hey Dean, please talk to me.” Sam slowly sits onto the bed not wanting to scare his older brother. Dean suddenly sits up and smiles a little but it doesn’t reach his eyes.  
“I’m fine, just needed a second Sammy.” Dean gets up and leaves his confused brother behind.  
Sam sighs, he knows how this will end. Dean will try to fool everyone only achieving to fool himself. Then he’ll get angry because he doesn’t know how to express his feelings in a different non chick-flick moment before he actually breaks down.  
Sam knows that Dean has to let all of it out sometime but he also knows that his brother is too proud and way too stubborn to really cry in front of anyone.  
Sam hopes that at least Jess could find a way to really get through Dean’s armor he built over the past years.  
Sam finally gets himself to stand up and go to the dining room to join everyone else.  
Jess, Cas and Dean are sitting at the table waiting for Sam. Dean looks like usual. A little smirk on his face but his eyes still blank and unfocused.  
Sam sits down next to his brother and they all take a toast to finally have some breakfast.  
“Dean you should eat something.” Jess carefully insists but Dean just shakes his head. “I’m not hungry.” he still smirks but he stopped fooling everyone a while ago, if they ever believed it anyway.  
“You haven’t eaten anything after yesterday morning.” Cas adds in a soft voice and Dean shakes his head again. “At least one toast dear.” Jess smiles a little but Dean keeps shaking his head. Sam looks at Cas who looks lost and beaten, not knowing what else to try.  
“When do you plan to head to Manhattan?” Jess interrupts the silence and Sam mouths a thank you to Jess for beginning a non-forced conversation. “I think we’ll head off in two days so we’ll be at the fune-“ Cas stops and shots a worried look at Dean who still stares into nothing, never touched the food Jess offered him. “So we’ll be there on twentyseventh.” Cas gets quieter at the end and all three of them flinch when Dean jumps up in a sudden and slams his wrists onto the table.  
“We won’t go to the funeral, Castiel!” he hisses, anger in his voice before he leaves the room, leaving the rest behind, lost.  
They are thrown back into reality when the bathroom door gets shut with a loud bang.  
“Don’t” Sam pushes Cas back when he tries to go after Dean. “Give him some time.” Sam knows too well that Dean needs a few minutes on his own especially after spending days around many people.  
“I don’t know what to do Sam. I am done. I thought he would come back, that he just needed some time to realize that he’s back home. But I don’t know what happened over there and I wanna help him with everything I’ve got but I can’t do that as long as Dean isn’t talking.” Sam nods slowly and Jess stays silent.” They offered him someone to work everything through with but he refused, told them he has me and that I’ll be able to help him. But I obviously can’t” Cas whimpers and Sam slowly nods, about to say something when they suddenly hear a cracking noise and glass shattering coming from the bathroom which makes Cas and Jess jump up immediately.  
The second Sam comes after them they are already kneeling on the floor between shattered glass of a broken mirror and some blood which is in a small puddle on the floor.


	6. Christmas 1973 Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
Don't read if you get triggered easily. I'll summarize this chapter at the beginning of the next one. So if you decide to not read this one you'll still know what happened.

"SAMMY, call the ambulance, now!" Jess yells in a high pitched voice and Sam doens't think twice to grab the phone.  
Jess forces Cas to finally sit down next to Dean so the Winchester can let his head rest on Cas' lap.  
Dean obviously punched the mirror in anger and the knuckles of his right hands are swollen and could also be broken. His left wrist got slit by what had to be shattered glass and is now bleeding heavily.  
The Winchester whimpers in pain when Jess starts to carefully press a bandage onto the deep cut in Deans wrist hoping it'll stop the bleeding at least a little.  
"Dean, what happened?" Cas asks while Jess carefully cheks Deans swollen knuckles.   
"Sam appears in the doorway and just stands there unsure of what to do.  
The older Winchester hisses again when Jess starts to wipe the blood off his swollen knuckles and he grabs Cas' hand and squeezes it until the cut starts to shoot finring pain through his whole body.  
He feels like he deserves it, the pain, all of it. He swore himself that he would protect Jeremy with all cost but he couldn't because he was drowning in his own pain, didn't even think about his friend after getting back home.  
"Dean?" Cas pulls him out of his thoughts and Dean mumbles a quiet 'yes'. "What did you do?" Cas mumbles into the WInchesters hair where he buried his face in and Dean sighs while Jess keeps wiping off the blood.  
"I punched the mirrow, must've slit my wrist while I slipped, didn't even recognize it." Dean whispers, eyes closed and all of them pray that the ambulance will arrive any minute.  
"Dean?" Cas asks again, fearing the worst but Dean smirks a little. "Man don't even think that I tried to off myself, can't let your cute little ass alone, huh?" Cas grins a little too but doesn't really believe the Winchester though he at least doesn't think it out loud and flinches a little when the doorbell rings and Sam jumps up. "I got it!" He opens the door and leads the ambulance inside.  
They work fast and get Dean out in less than ten minutes, showing Cas to come with them. Jess nods at the lost looking man and reassures him that Sam and she will follow them in any minute. Cas nods before he leaves with the ambulance.  
Sam lets himself fall into Jess arms once the door is closed. He buries his face against her shoulder snd they stay in the safe embrace for a moment before both of them pull back a little to look into each others eyes. "I'm sorry Jess." Sam whispers and Jess leans forward a little to let her forehead rest against his. "For what?" "For this. I wanted us to have a great Christmas with Cas and Dean and now it's just messy." Sam whispers. He's not blaming Dean for anything, how could he? "Wanna head for the hospital?" Jess suddenly asks and Sam nods, thankful that she pulled him out of his thoughts.

Cas has been waiting for what feels like hours until the nurse tells him to go take a look after Dean. He goes through the long and grey hallways of the hospital until he reaches the room Dean is in. He still doesn't really know what is going on in Deans mind and he plans to ask the Winchester, just not right now.  
Cas slowly opens the door and sees the Winchester lying in a bed under the window staring at the wall in front of him. Eyes blank and unfocused like most of the time over the past days.  
"Dean?" Cas carefully asks not wanting to scare Dean who doens't react even a little.  
Cas moves closer to the bed and his eyes get locked at the white bandages around Deans left wrist.  
Cas sits down onto the chair next to the bed and just stares at his hands. He shouldn't have told Dean about Jeremys death. It just made everything worse. He should stop to be that egoistic asshole for Deans sake but he can't stop it, obviously. He thought he would just tell Dean and everythig would be just fine vut now it feels like Cas fucked up, which he kinda did.How is he supposed to make that right again. He still is kind of sure that Dean actually tried to kill himself but even if Dean would admit it they couldn't tell the doctors, they wouldn't let the Winchester leave and Castiel is sure it wouldn't help the Winchesters recover.  
Sam and Jess enter the room and Cas sighs quietly. "How's he doing?" Jess asks softly and Cas is about to when he realizes that the nurse from earlier is standing right behinf her. "He lost a lot of blood but it's not too bad. His knuckles are just swollen, not broken and physically he'd be able to go home in a day. But there are a few lst checks we have to make. His physical circumstances are fine, like I said, but I'm worried about his mental condition. I believe he suffers fro a trauma, the doc will check on him. I can't really force him at the moment but if he doesn't get better during the next day I highly recommend him to see a therapist and probably stay here for a while longer." the nurse finishes with a sad look on her face and Cas nods slowly  
"They've told him before but he refused." Cas whispers and the nurse looks a little confused. "Who's they?" Sam sighs. "he just came back from oversea." We don't really know what happened, he's not the talking type." Cas suddenly realizes that Jess and Sam know less than he does but he isn't about to change that right now. It's still Deans decision.  
"Just a friendly advice abut I think it'll be easier for him to cope with all of it if he goes to see a professional." Sam nods and sits down next to Cas.  
The nurse leaves them on their own and Jess leaves too, tears in her eyes. Cas and sam remain silent for a while until Sam leaves too to look after Jess.  
Cas stays not knowing what to do now. He just keeps staring at Dean’s pale, freckled face. His right hand lies on the white sheets next to Dean’s left. Cas wishes that Dean would at least blink but he isn’t moving at all. Until Cas suddenly feels Dean slowly gripping his hands and he slightly squeezes Dean’s hand, careful not to hurt the Winchester and looks at Dean’s pained face who looks back at him, eyes half closed in exhaustion.  
“How are you feeling?” it takes Dean a moment to answer. “Hurt. It hurts so freakin’ much, Cas” he whispers and that is what makes Cas to just want to run, curl up somewhere and never come back. Dean Winchester never admitted that he is hurt. “Dean, don’t move your hand it’ll be better for your wrist.” Cas whispers in a calm voice but gets confused when Dean shakes his head. “My chest hurts, feels like I can’t breathe.” He whispers and Cas realizes in horror what Dean is trying to tell him. Dean still has all the pictures creeping through his mind not letting him any kind of peace, not even for a moment and he can’t get rid of them.  
Cas would love to not have to talk to Dean about seeing some nice therapist but he can’t keep watching him like this.  
“Dean?” he starts and continuous when he is sure that Dean is still listening to him.  
“The nice nurse told me that she knows someone who could help you to get rid of the pain.” Dean really needs someone who can actually help him and Cas is afraid that he can’t.  
“Don’t need a professional man. There are just too many people around here, don’t really like it. Just wanna go back to Sammy’s.” Dean whispers and Cas sighs.   
He believed that Dean was getting better with every day and now it’s even worse than when they started the road trip.  
“Dean I think that talking to a professional would help-“ “I ain’t talking to these douche bags.” Dean hisses and Cas shakes his head. “But Dean it-“ “No Cas. I promise you I will talk to you and I’ll work it out with your help but please, please don’t force me to see a therapist. It’s the last thing I wanna do.” Dean begs, his eyes filled with tears and Cas lets his head drop so his chin rests on his chest.  
Dean searches for Cas hand and grips it lightly. “I love you Cas.” He whispers and Cas nods. “I love you too.”

Castiel sits down onto the sofa right next to Sam. Both of them remain silent and wait for Jess and Dean to join them. Jess appears some minutes later but no sight of Dean. “He’s in the bedroom he wants to talk to you Cas. Alone.” Jess says in a quiet voice and Cas nods before he slowly gets up to get to Dean.  
Dean refused to get any help again. He had told the nurse that he had family who cares for him and that it’s enough for him to recover.  
She didn’t believe him but nodded anyway, not forgetting that she said she’ll call him in a few days, asking how he feels and that she’ll drag him to a therapist if she has to.  
It wasn’t supposed to sound like a threat in any way but for Dean it sounded like one so he made her clear that he will talk to someone.  
Even Dean knows that he needs some kind of help to get through all of it but he refuses to completely believe it.  
Cas slowly opens the door to the bedroom and walks to the bed where Dean is sitting on back against the headboard, looking at the bandage around his wrist.  
Cas sits down next to him and just looks at the lightly shivering Winchester. Cas lies one hand onto Dean’s shaking left hand. Dean doesn’t move at first but then he lets his head drop onto Cas’ shoulder and closes his eyes, still shivering and breathing way too fast. He’s on the edge of a panic attack.  
“Dean calm down, you have to breathe slower.” Cas softly strokes his thumb over Dean’s folded hands, trying to calm the Winchester.  
Cas starts breathing calm and steady and Dean soon matches his breathing and stops shivering after some time.   
“You wanna talk?” Cas tries, he remembers that Dean told the nurse he’ll work through all of it with Cas. He is slightly surprised when Dean nods.  
“I- I don’t know how to start.” Dean stops and thinks about what he’s going to tell Cas.  
“You know the most of it actually. I don’t wanna work through it by just talking about what happened. That’s just making it worse.” Cas nods and waits for Dean to continue.   
“I wanna forget it, well most of it. I don’t wanna get reminded every time I hear someone talking about war or whatever. Cas I don’t wanna work it out. I just wanna forget all of it so bad.” Dean whispers and looks at Cas.  
“I figured out that this is real-“ “How?” Cas asks, curious. “I am able to feel pain I feel happiness even if it’s just momentarily.” Dean smiles a little. “I’ve never felt any pain in my dreams, or any kind of happiness.” he continuous.  
“Tell me how I can help you and we’ll work it out.” “Just be here. I know how much of a stubborn asshole I am and I hate chick-flick moments, so just be there for-“ Dean stops and Cas know how difficult it is for the Winchester to admit that he needs someone to be there for him. But it’s a good sign. Dean starting to be that stubborn asshole, how he describes himself, again.  
“Cas, I- I’m sorry.” Dean suddenly whispers and Cas looks at him, confused. “For what?” he whispers back. “For not being able to actually work it through with you. You know how much I love you and you know that you and Sam are the only people I trust enough to talk with about what happened, but still I can’t do it in a way I’d like to.” Dean whispers, his forehead resting against Cas’.  
“Don’t worry about that.” Cas whispers. “Do it the way you think that’s best for you, Sam and I will always be here if you need someone.” Dean leans forward and his lips lightly touching Cas’ before Cas pulls the Winchester closer and presses his lips against Dean, not able to wait any longer for that kiss.  
Cas let’s himself fall back onto the bed, his head landing on the pillow and Dean keeps kissing him until both of them need a short break to catch their breath.  
Dean starts smiling and Cas feels his heart jump in happiness when he realizes that this smile finally reaches the Winchesters eyes, not completely but enough to let the unbelievably green eyes shimmer a little.  
Dean starts kissing down Cas’ neck who presses his head into the pillow, moaning. Dean starts undressing Cas’ hoodie and starts to place kisses all over his chest.  
The Novak starts to run his hand all over Dean’s muscled back and freezes. He can feel the thick thumbs of the scars even through Dean’s shirt, how comes that he didn’t notice before?  
“Cas? Hey what is it?” Dean pulls him out of his thoughts. “Nothing.” Cas smiles and Dean kisses his chest again. “Wanna keep going?” Cas asks pulls at Dean’s shirt and the Winchester nods with a smile.  
Cas slowly pulls the black shirt over Dean’s head and starts to carefully run his hands over the scars on Dean’s back.  
“You alright?” Cas asks, his face close to Dean’s and he feel the Winchester’s warm breath panting against his skin and it gives him goosebumps. “I am.” Cas smiles before he slightly lifts his head to kiss the Winchester with passion.  
Dean leans into the kiss while he slowly starts to open Cas’ trouser and slowly pulls it down Cas’ in excitement shivering legs.


	7. December 25th, 1973

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: Dean go hurt real bad and had to go to the hospital to stop the bleeding. The nurse there really wanted him to see a therapist but Dean reassured her that he and Castiel can work it out and that he doesn't need to see a professional and that he's fine. Cas meanwhile is really worried about Deans condition which doesn't seem to get better but wants to give Deans self-therapy a shot. (They end up having sex and that's right where Chapter 7 starts)  
IF you have any questions, just comment and I hope I can answer them.

PANTING they pull the blanket over their bodies after they put their boxers back on. “Oh my god, Cas.” Dean whispers, out of breath, with a huge smile on his face and Cas chuckles lightly.  
“I’ll try something.” Dean whispers after minutes of just staring into each other’s eyes and he slowly rolls around so he is facing the wall and his back is facing Cas. He then moves away from the wall and closer to Cas. He trusts Cas more than anyone right now and he told himself to forget about what had happened so he has to start with something.  
Cas stares at Dean’s scarred back, he saw it before but never this close. Now that Dean’s back is right in front of him he’s able to discover even more, lighter scars between the thick, purple ones.  
But all in all Dean’s back is nothing more than a field of thick and pink lashes.  
“Stop staring, man.” Dean chuckles and Cas shakes his head a little, smiling, relieved that Dean’s mood is nearly back to normal at the moment.  
But Cas can’t stop looking at Dean’s back. He still remembers the clear, freckled skin showing off his muscles. Cas starts to trace the thick, pink lashes with one finger which makes Dean shiver a little. “Sorry.” Cas whispers, regretting it immediately and about to pull his hand away when Dean leans into the touch. “Don’t. Stay, please.” the Winchester whispers and Cas moves closer, wraps his arms around Dean’s torso and presses his chest lightly against Dean’s lightly tensed back before he starts kissing Dean’s neck.  
Dean closes his eyes, moves back and leans even more into Cas’ touch which makes his breathing calm down even more. After a few minutes Dean falls asleep in Cas’ arms who can’t fight the urge to sleep any longer aswell.

Cas wakes up staring into green eyes and he starts smiling immediately. “Merry Christmas, Cas.” Dean says softly and leans forward to kiss Cas. “Merry Christmas, Dean.” Cas whispers into the kiss and they move closer together.   
“Wanna get up?” Cas wants to get Dean out of bed so he can give him the present he bought two years ago after Dean wrote him that they were about to get home which eventually never happened. It was the last letter he got from Dean who was supposed to arrive at home some days later but his unit disappeared in a sudden. “No, let’s stay in bed.” Dean whispers but gets up eventually. Cas stays in bed for another minute before he follows Dean into the bathroom.  
The shower runs already and Cas smiles a little. “Dean, everything alright?” Cas asks a little worried and stops in front of the shower curtain.   
He isn’t sure how Dean is doing right now, all the emotions he was showing over the past days are just gone, turned into whatever and Cas doesn’t really know how to handle it.  
“I’m fine.” Dean answers before the curtain moves a little and Dean’s head appears, the cute and tempting smile on his face like in the good old days and Cas can’t resist to just cup Dean’s cheeks in his hands and kiss him before he steps under the shower next to Dean.  
Dean wraps his arms around Cas’ neck when Cas lifts the Winchester up and presses him against the wall before he starts to place kisses all over Dean’s body.  
Dean pulls himself closer against Cas’ chest and buries his face against Cas’ shoulder, lightly moaning before he kisses Cas’ neck. Cas moves his lips over Dean’s chest before the Winchester pulls himself closer against Cas and continues kissing Cas’ neck. The Novak moans and Dean smiles into the kiss.  
Every time he’s with Cas all the memories just disappear, he never thought that anyone could make him feel like this, hell, five years earlier he didn’t even think about being with a man.  
“I love you. I love you so much.” Dean moans and Cas presses him harder against the wall, pressing his lips against Dean’s who lightly presses his tongue against Cas’ teeth. “I love you too.” Cas whispers into the kiss and presses even closer against Dean.  
Cas hand start trailing up and down Dean’s back making the Winchester throw his head back. Cas lets his hands trail down to Dean’s hips and moves the Winchester up a little so he’ll be able to hold him up a little longer. Dean wraps his arms even stronger around Cas’ neck and latter presses his face against Dean’s neck hands trailing down to hold Dean up at his upper legs before Cas steps closer and kisses Dean with passion.  
“Cas, please.” Dean moans and Cas nods, his lips slowly trailing down Dean’s chest making Dean whimper in lust.   
“Shhh.” Cas mumbles, his lips still trailing over Dean’s body.

The shower is still running and the water is already getting cold when Sam knocks at the door, he’s been waiting for Dean and Cas for an hour.  
They stand there, panting, arms wrapped around each other, cold water running over their hot bodies. They sigh lighty at the knock. “Merry Christmas.” they whisper at the same time before Cas pulls out of the embrace, grabs a towel and steps out of the shower to answer the knock on the door.  
Dean feels empty and cold in a sudden so he stops the running water, grabs a towel and steps out of the shower aswell.  
He has to talk to Cas about his memories some more. Cas deserves to know what’s going on inside of Dean’s mind, he promised to tell him so he wouldn’t need to see a professional.  
Dean trusts Cas though he hates feeling attached to nyone in any way but it’s totally different when Cas is around.  
“Dean I could really eat some breakfast. Wanna come?” Cas asks in a soft voice which pulls Dean out of his thought.  
“Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong?” Cas asks, his face full of worry and concern about Dean who shakes his head in an instant. “I just- okay this will sound weird as fuck and I hate chick-flick moments so don’t waste this.” Dean smiles a little and wraps his arms around Cas’ neck and moves his face closer to Cas’ until their foreheads are resting against each other.  
“I don’t ever wanna lose you cause I can’t survive this shit without you. I can’t get over it without you, I need you Cas. I love you.” Dean mumbles and closes his eyes, tears burning in them.  
“I won’t ever leave you Dean.” Cas whispers, his lips trailing over Dean’s. “I won’t let you go through this alone. I won’t force you, but always remember that I’m here for you no matter what.” Dean lets his forehead rest on Cas’ shoulder, his body filled with relief.  
The moment they enter the living room they breathe in the smell of bacon and pancakes, Christmas music is running in the background quietly.  
Dean grabs Cas’ hand, squeezes it lightly and pulls him to the table where Jess and Sam are already waiting.  
“Merry Christmas both of them say and Sam points at the breakfast and the golden glowing Christmas tree. “This is our present for Christmas. Sam says before his and Jess’ hands fold together and a new beautiful silver ring is on Jess’ ring finger.  
“Sammy, man, I’m proud of ya” Dean gets up and hugs Sam then Jess before Cas does the same before they finally start eating.  
“When is the marriage set?” Cas asks after they finished breakfast and Jess smiles at Sam before she answers. “We plan to marry next summer.”  
Sam smiles and Cas nods with a big grin on his face before he turns to take a glance at Dean who didn’t say anything for a while.  
He looks a little lost. He can’t really catch up with everything that’s happening right now and that bothers him more than he would admit.  
First he was captured hoping to at least survive the next night, then he was home in a sudden and now he feels like the war was just a too real nightmare he isn’t able to get over a as fast as he’d like to.  
He feels happy for his little brother and he always wished that he’d find someone he’s happy with. But after everything that happened the past years Dean never thought about experiencing this.  
He tried to not think too much about Sam and Jess during the war, he dared not to think about ever kissing Cas again, never thought he would be able to celebrate another Christmas, he never though he would survive any of it.  
“Dean, are you okay?” Cas moves closer to the Winchester and lies one hand onto his shoulder. “Sorry.” Dean mumbles at Sam and Jess who just nod at each other and stand up to let as and Dean have some time on their own.  
Sam pads lightly onto his older brother’s shoulder and Dean squeezes Sam’s hand a little before Sam leaves the room behind Jess.  
Cas gets up and pulls out a small present. He doesn’t want to push Dean into a conversation about his feelings he knows how much Dean hates it.  
Cas gives the present to Dean with a smile who takes it shyly but with happiness in his eyes and opens it slowly.  
Dean’s mood lightens up when he pulls out a pair of black and red wool socks. “I got that letter you sent to me writing about how cold your feet were and that you could really need a new pair of socks.” Cas says with a smile and Dean smiles back before he wraps his arms around Cas who didn’t expect that. He usually doesn’t get socks as a gift for Dean but he bought them already and thought it would lighten the Winchester’s mood as it obviously did.  
Dean kisses Cas onto the cheek and pulls back to give Cas’ his present. Cas opens it slowly and pulls out a rede norweger pullover. Cas stands up and leaves the room and a confused looking Dean behind to change the hoodie against the new pullover.  
When he comes back in Dean is already wearing the socks, a big smile on his lips.  
“Man these are comfortable as fuck.” Dean smiles, Cas sits down onto Dean’s lap and kisses the Winchester’s forehead.  
“Merry Christmas, Cas.” Dean whispers leaning against Cas’ chest. “Merry Christmas, D.” Cas whispers before their lips touch softly.

They wake up to the phone ringing on the nightstand next to the bed and Cas turns around to grab it. “Hello?” his voice is tired, it’s nine in the morning but they stayed up until three the last night. “I’m sorry for waking you up. It’ misses Forester again and I wanted to tell you that the funeral will be in Washington, DC.” “Yeah, thank you, I’ll ask Dean later. “How is he anyway?” Mrs. Forester asks with worry showing in her voice. “It was difficult, but it’s getting better.” he whispers before both of them hang up and Cas turns around only to green eyes staring at him. Dean moves closer and buries his head against Cas’ chest. “Cas, who was it?” he whispers, still tired and not planning to get out of bed any time soon. ”It was Mrs. Forester. She just told me the location of the funeral.” Cas whispers, praying that this won’t destroy the progress of Dean’s recovery.  
“I don’t wanna go Cas, please.” Dean whispers and Cas nods, a lump in his throat. Dean pleading makes Cas realize how much he misses his old Dean, the invincible man who flirts in every situation no matter how inappropriate it might be.  
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Cas whispers before he turns onto his side and pulls Dean’s body against his chest so he can relax his now tensed muscles.  
Dean let’s his head rest under Cas’ chin who slowly strokes his thumb through Dean’s hair. “We don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to.” Cas whispers after some time but Dean shakes his head. “I want to go to Manhattan, with you, New Year’s Eve. Cas, I really wanna go there with you. Hell, I would go anywhere with you, but please, I don’t wanna go to that funeral. Dean whispers against Cas’ chest who nods and kisses Dean’s hair softly.


	8. December 30th, 1973

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually close to being finished with thi story.

THEY pack their bags into the trunk of the Impala before they turn back to Jess and Sam. “See ya.” Dean hugs Jess before he turns to his little brother. “Thanks for letting us stay.” He whispers and pulls Sam into a strong hug. “You can always come and stay as long as you need Dean. I’m glad you’re back.” Sam whispers and pulls his brother closer. “Me too Sammy.”   
They release each other and Dean gets into the passenger seat while Cas gets into the driver seat and starts the motor. They wave at Jess and Sam through the rear view mirror for a second before they turn around the block and out of view 

“Dean are you sure that you don’t wanna drive?” Cas asks after some time, worried about Dean’s sudden silence. “Naah, I’m good, glad to be back on the road, feels more like home.” Dean grins and Cas just nods, unsure what he’s supposed to answer. Dean always felt home when being in his car, on the road and that’s why the fact that Dean doesn’t want to drive makes Cas worry.  
Dean’s head is resting against the window of the door, his eyes are closed and his body is way more relaxed than the past days.  
After some thinking Cas turns on the radio. The Winchester starts smiling when the music starts playing which makes Cas start humming to it.

December 31st, 1973

“Dean, we’re here.” Cas wakes up Dean as careful as possible but the Winchester still flinches a little before he finally realizes where he is.  
They step out of the cat after a brief moment of silence and are now looking directly at the Manhattan skyline. The sky is dark and light snow is dancing through the air shimmering in a bright white because of the city lights before it finally falls to the ground, building a thin layer of white and untouched snow.  
The snow is silencing all the sounds of the city and is now lightened up in what seems like amounts of different colors, but mainly a comfy golden light which reminds of Christmas and winter days in the living room in front of a crackling fire.  
“Cas, that’s such a beautiful view.” Dean whispers in excitement and Cas slowly wraps his arms around Dean from behind to let his chin rest on the Winchesters shoulder who carefully grabs Cas’ hands.  
“Thank you so much.” Dean whispers unsure what else to say, still watching the glowing of the city from where he has one of the best memories with Cas.  
Cas begins to softly kiss Deans neck and Dean lets his head rest on Cas shoulder, moaning a little.  
The new year’s firework starts and a light of red, blue, green and gold covers the dark and cloudy sky and lights up the snow covered ground even more. 

“Dean?” Cas releases his grip, his breath going fast and a slight of nervousness is creeping up inside of him. Dean turns around, slightly confused of the sudden change in Cas’ mood. Cas inhales deeply before he slowly falls onto one knee and holds out a little box with a silver ring in it to Dean.

“Dean, do you want to marry me?” The Winchester tries to find his words at first. Confused by the question. Adrenalin shooting through his veins, blurring out all the other sounds around him, the question of the man in front of him is repeating in his head again and again and again.  
Cas is getting more nervous with every second that passes in which is just staring at him, lips lightly parted, tears welling up in his eyes.   
It feels like years until Dean starts moving again. At first it’s just a light nod but then he whispers ‘yes’ all over again and takes the ring.  
Cas gets up and Dean just pulls him against him and presses his lips onto Cas’ who fast regains himself and kisses the Winchester back.  
“Planned to do it privately with Sam and Jess.” Cas whispers and Dean chuckles, “not like there’s another way.” and Castiel has to laugh aswell.   
The fireworks are still lighting up the sky and dancing snowflakes, creating a beautiful and shimmering mix of silver and golden glowing everywhere.  
“I love you so much.” Dean mumbles into the kiss which makes Cas smile and he pulls the Winchester even closer against his body.  
Dean buries his face in the crotch between Cas neck and shoulder and they keep their arms wrapped around each other not wanting to ever let the other go.  
After some time Dean starts to shiver lightly and Cas rubs his hand over the Winchester’s trembling back. “I never thought I would ever be able to live with you. Not after what happened.” Dean whispers, holding back a sob. He got so emotional over the past years and he just can’t work out how to live with it. Cas feels tears burning in his eyes. He hates seeing Dean like this, so vulnerable, it’s so not the Dean he met years ago in a bar in Michigan.  
It usually was Cas who got comforted by the Winchester and it feels so unnatural the other way around.  
Dean lifts his head and moves onto the hood of the Impala, Cas sits down next to him. Their arms are wrapped around each other and Dean’s head is resting on Cas’ shoulder while they watch the rest of the New Year’s firework in a calming and comfortable silence.  
Even after the fireworks finished both stay silent, not wanting the peaceful moment to end so they just keep staring at the golden glowing city.  
Their fingers are folded together and Dean’s head keeps resting on Cas’ shoulder.   
“Dean?” the Winchester doesn’t answer and when Cas carefully looks at Dean he realizes that he is asleep.  
His muscles are relaxed and he’s breathing deep and calm. Cas smiles and studies Dean’s facial expression. He looks so beautiful when he’s asleep, with his long eyelashes, the freckles standing out all over his face and his slightly parted lips.  
Cas strokes his thumbs through Dean’s hair before he slowly lies the Winchester down and gets off the hood and opens the back door of the Impala.  
Then he picks up Dean and carefully carries him up to the backdoor to lay him onto the bench in the back.  
The Winchester got a little lighter over the past two years though he gained more muscles.  
Cas sits onto the bench in the back too and lets Dean’s hand rest on his lap.  
Then he lets his head rest against the cold window of the car and keeps watching the still breathtaking golden glowing of the city in front of him.

Cas fell asleep too after some time and wakes up to a snoring Dean who’s head is still resting on his lap.  
The sun is already up and Cas blinks some times to to get his eyes used to the light and the shimmering snow.  
“Dean, wake up.” Cas whispers and softly kisses Dean’s forehead.  
“Happy New Year Cassie.” Dean whispers and chuckles lightly before he carefully pulls Cas’ head down and kisses him softly onto the lips.  
Cas suddenly pulls Dean upright so he is sitting in front of him and pulls the Winchester into a strong hug.  
“Happy New Year.” Cas whispers and Dean pulls himself closer against Dean’s body, the strong arms around him calming him down.

“Cas, c- can we go to the graveyard in D.C.? I wanna say goodbye to Jeremy.” Dean suddenly whispers lightly studdering nervously licking his lips until Cas nods slowly.  
“You wanna go alone?” Cas asks to make sure that the Winchester doesn’t feel uncomfortable with him around. “No!” Dean answers immediately and pulls away a little to look into Cas’ ocean blue eyes.   
“I really need to go man, I owe him that. I feel horrible for not appearing at that funeral, for burying myself in my mind to escape all the pain.” Sad and lightly red eyes are looking at Cas, his freckles standing out more than usual framing his green, tears leaking eyes.  
“Dean, don’t worry about this so much. Everybody understands how you feel about the past two years and everybody understands why you haven’t been at the funeral. It’s your decision, it always is. No one can tell you what to do, where to go or how to feel about any kind of situation. If you feel like you can’t do something in this one particular moment, don’t. I know that people are expecting a lot of each other these days, but please, don’t think that you acted the wrong way by not going to the funeral.”   
Cas cups Dean’s face between his hands trying to make the Winchester believe that he didn’t do anything wrong.  
“Cas, they asked me to come and I didn’t even think about going there. I owe him at least one goodbye.” Dean whispers not daring to look into Cas’ eyes, afraid to discover disappointment in them. “Dean, please, look me in the eyes.” In a sudden Dean’s eyes start wandering around in a hush and Dean’s breath goes flat and fast.   
“Dean calm down. I don’t wanna panic you.” Not sure what he did wrong Cas tries to come through to Dean but the Winchester isn’t really aware of anything that’s going on around him. Not hearing anything besides all the screaming in his mind.  
Dean’s breathing gets more unsteady, his eyes wide open in fear and he’s on the edge of a panic attack.  
“Dean you need to calm down, you’ll past out if you keep breathing that fast.”  
Cas nearly yells and with his hands cupping the Winchester’s face he lightly shakes him. Afraid that Dean will actually pass out on his watch.


	9. January 1st, 1974

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter is really short atm but I'll definitely rewrite it as soon as I got motivation, time and ideas xD

Every thought, every memories he has from the past two years comes rushing back in a sudden, colliding with happy memories of him and Cas but drowning them again in an instant.  
He can’t control anything, like a prisoner in his own mind and body. He sees Cas and he knows for sure that Cas is talking to him but he can’t hear anything besides the blood rushing through his ears and occasional screams of people dying on his watch.  
All the blood, all the screams mixed with the hot and sweaty air crashes back onto him from the deepest parts of his mind where he tried to bury it and he still can’t control it, can’t fight it and the only thing he can do is to hope that it’ll end any second.

Cas still tries to calm Dean’s breathing but every time he tries to touch the Winchester a little more to pull him into a hug and comfort him Dean flinches and moves his back against the door of the Impala, trying to fight Cas.  
“Dean, it’s me.” Cas tries but Dean nearly punshes him which irritates Cas for a brief moment. “Stop it, Dean, please.” Cas tries to finally grab Dean’s wrists to stop him from punching him but he realizes too late that it’s his left one, where the wound is, which is not completely healed and it just seems to make Dean’s panic rise.  
The Winchester’s breathing becomes faster each second that passes, his eyes wide in pure panic. “Dean, hey, it’s me!” Cas finally yells at him and in one smove movement he grabs the Winchester’s wrists to secure them from throwing more punches before he grabs Dean’s shoulders and just pulls the Winchester into a strong hug.  
“It’s me, Cas. It’s alright Dean.” He whispers as a steady mantra to finally calm the Winchester down who starts to get at least a little calmer.

When Dean’s breathing is nearly back to normal he pulls away and looks at Cas, tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes so full of guilt and sadness that it nearly knocks Cas over.

Over the past days Dean nearly stopped showing his emotions in such a heavy way that they nearly weren’t even visible. But now they just come rushing back onto him, creeping through his mind, making it hard to think, hard to breathe, hard to do anything. He never wanted to end like this, an emotional wreck.  
He promised himself to stay the same he was before, to not let them change him in any way. But he broke and they made him break this promise he gave to himself. And Dean Winchester usually never breaks his promises.  
All these lives he ended with his own hands, all these lives he wasn’t able to safe, these people are in front of his inner eye, screaming at him why he didn’t save them, why he left them alone. He never really cared about himself just wants to make sure that everyone around him is safe. And at the same time he doesn’t think he could ever live alone.  
And if he’s honest he is afraid of being left alone and even if he tries not to think about it he sometimes catches himself thinking about the fact that he should’ve died instead of Jeremy. Jeremy helped so many people, never hold a gun in his hands but still, they’ve killed him and Dean wasn’t able to do anything to help the one person he should’ve helped.  
Jeremy was his closest friend over there and he feels like he left him behind because he was way too selfish.

“Cas, I don’t think I deserve to be here right now.” Dean suddenly whispers which makes Cas look up again, staring into Dean’s green and watering eyes. The Winchester closes his eyes and let his forehead fall against Cas’ shoulder who instantly wraps his arms around Dean’s torso and pulls the Winchester close against his chest.  
Cas doesn’t know what to say to Dean to make it alright again. “No one leaves! Not me, not you! Did I make myself clear?” he yells and nods lightly. “And you deserve to be here as much as everyone else!” he keeps yelling, suddenly damn angry at the Winchester. Angry and really lost. He doesn’t know what could actually help Dean. He tried everything over the past week, everything he could do. And Dean seemed to get better, to get back to his old self and Cas should’ve realized way earlier that it was an act. And he did, he thinks but obviously not enough. To egoistic to admit it, and that’s where it got them.  
Dean still shivers lightly but he stopped crying and Cas carefully pulls out of the embrace.  
“Do you wanna talk about it Dean?” he asks, voice softer than just a moment ago, but Dean shakes his head. “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about Cas.” He nearly whispers and pulls back completely, wiping the streams of tears from his cheeks.  
“Dean, stop that act!” Cas yells at Dean again who flinches in surprise. “What act?” he laughs and is about to leave the car when Cas grabs his wrists to stop him from leaving now.

“Cas, I need a minute.” Dean presses through clenched teeth but Cas shakes his head, he wants to clarify that situation now.  
“Dean, you know that you can tell me everything and you know that I wanna help you but I can’t do that as long as you’re not talking to me.” Cas tries to make the Winchester look at him but he just stares at the ground.  
“But I don’t know what I’m supposed to talk about Cas.” Dean pulls his wrists out of Cas’ grip and moves his back against the door of the Impala, at least not about to leave the car anymore.  
“Dean, I think there’s a lot we should talk about, after everything that happened over the past days. I don’t know what happened and I am completely fine if you don’t wanna talk about it but after everything you were telling me the past days I don’t feel like you should keep it in Dean.” “Cas I really don’t need to talk about it.” Dean tries to insist on his way of coping but Cas lets his head hang low a lump in his throat.  
“Dean, you telling me that you don’t think you deserve to live is definitely something to talk about.” Cas whispers after some time and looks up when Dean doesn’t answer. He just sits there, staring at Cas, no emotion in his eyes, just staring at Cas and still kind of through him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided I'd continue this story a little since I got so many ideas over the past days and I also decided to beta read this story and maybe change some small stuff I'm not too happy with


	10. January 2nd, 1974

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sure if this chapter is any longer than the last one, but once I actually finished this story I'll definitely beta-read the chapters and all that stuff.  
But here we go with another chapter, so, enjoy!  
[and thx for all the reads, it's really freaking awesome!]

The ride back to Sam’s was unusually quiet since Dean only stared out of the window and Castiel seemed to be at a loss of of words. Nothing he said or did over the past days helped the Winchester at all.  
They finally pull up in front of the apartment and Dean bolts out of the car, into the apartment and locks himself in the bathroom leaving a worried Castiel behind.  
The moment they shared after the fireworks seems forgotten just some happy memory in the back of their minds that could’ve happened years ago.  
“Cas?” Sam asks as soon as the Novak closes the door of the apartment behind him. “What?” his voice is close to a whisper and he can’t really look at the younger Winchester.”What happened?” Cas just shakes his head and disappears into the room he and Dean shared.  
How could everything they built up just fall apart that easily?  
He pulls out the small box where the ring for Dean was in and the tears he held in for days just roll down his cheeks.  
“Fuck!” he yells and throws the box against the closest wall before he just sinks onto the ground unable to breathe. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” he mutters while his breaths come out fast and unsteady.  
He doesn’t even hear Sam coming into the room trying to calm the Novak. “Cas. C’mon breathe, man.” Sam manages to uncurl him which seems to make the breathing a lot easier.  
“Sam?” Castiel finally manages to rasp out and the Winchester nods. “I’m leaving. I can’t do this.” he whispers, shame burning inside him. He failed Dean. He promised he’d be there for him but he never thought it would be this bad. The older Winchester isn’t even himself anymore and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything left of the Dean he met years ago. Nothing left of the man he fell in love with. And he can’t blame the Winchester. But he can’t watch the man fall apart further.  
“He needs you.” Sam sits down next to Castiel and stares at the door. “I know. But I can’t do it Sam.” he gets up and starts packing the few things he took on the trip. “I thought I could. But I can’t. It fucking hurts to see him like that, Sam. I don’t know who came back but the Dean I know died over there!” Cas yells before he keeps throwing clothes into the bag he brought. “Cas.” Sam stops his voice breaking. “Sam, please leave. I’ll say goodbye in a minute.” Castiel whispers, his back to the Winchester who just nods and gets up to leave the room. “Think about it.” he just states before he closes the door behind him.  
Castiel sits down onto the bed and releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He lets his eyes wander around the room until they fall onto the thin chain with Dean’s dog tags. The Novak gets up and fishes them off the nightstand. He sighs before he slips them over his head and lets the chain dangle under his shirt.  
He doesn’t want to leave Dean and at the same time he feels like he can’t stay any longer. Can’t watch the Winchester fall apart any longer.  
Cas slowly walks into the hallway of the apartment finding Jess in the kitchen. “Hey, Sam said you’re leaving?” her voice is soft and Castiel can’t see any anger in her features. He can’t get out a sound so he just nods and Jess smiles a little before she pulls the Novak into a strong hug. “Take care Cas. And when you feel like the time is right, come here and get Dean alright? Sam and I’ll take care of him.” he just nods again before Jess leads him into the living room where Sam and Dean are sitting on the sofa, staring into nothing.  
“Dean.” Sam whispers and the older Winchester looks up at Cas. “I’m sorry.” the Novak mumbles not able to look Dean in the eye. “I think it’s better if you just leave now Castiel.” the older Winchester rasps out his face hidden in his hands and the Novak just turns around. The front door falls shut and lets Dean flinch.

“Dean? Is pasta alright? I don’t really have anything else here right now.” Jess sits down next to the Winchester who hasn’t moved since Cas left a few hours ago. “Yeah, pasta’s fine. Lt me help you.” His voice is weak and he looks really beaten down but Jess can’t get herself to tell him to rest so she makes him follow her to the kitchen.  
“You ever even cooked pasta?” she laughs while Dean tries to figure out how the stove works with a light smile on his lips. “No, not really, Cas-” he falls silent and he seems to look at something not exactly here. “Dean, hey come back here.” “Sorry.” “It’s fine. You know how to cut tomatoes?” Jess asks with a laugh and Dean actually chuckles before both of them start making dinner.  
“Woe Dean, can’t remember that you ever cooked something that actually tasted good.” Sam smiles and takes another bite of the pasta. “Such a gentleman Sammy.” Dean chuckles and smiles at Jess who observes the interaction of the two brothers with a smile on her lips.  
Right after dinner Dean excuses himself and slowly walks into the bedroom he shared with Cas the past days.  
The Novak’s scent is still in the sheets and the Winchester just hugs the pillow trying to imagine Cas lying next to him.  
But he just wakes up to an empty bed in the morning.

The next few days seem to go by in a blur. Jess shows him how to cook a load of dishes and they actually taste good. Sam tries to get Dean to go outside and take walks with him as much as possible and they actually seem to help, at least temporary.  
The older Winchester doesn’t know what he did to deserve the help Jess and Sam provide to him since he made Cas leave but he doesn’t want to complain.  
But all this does not make him miss Cas less. It maybe makes him miss the Novak a little more since those could’ve been a ton of good memories for both of them.

“I think I’ll drive back home. Or find an apartment for myself if C- if he doesn’t want me in the house or something.” Dean states at one dinner a week into Cas being gone. Jess and Sam both drop their forks and loo at each other in worry.  
“Dean, don’t you think it would be better for you if you stayed here for a little longer. At least until your-” “Until I’m what Sam?” Dean nearly yells and stands up. “Until I don’t get nightmares anymore? Until I don’t get flashbacks of them fucking torturing anymore? Until I stop missing Cas? Or wait,” Dean has a light smile on his lips now, “until I’ll stop wanting to kill myself?” he got awfully quiet at the end and Sam can’t help but stare at his brother in horror. “Guess what Sammy,” his voice is only a whisper now. “That’s never gonna happen. Excuse me, I gotta pack my bag.” Dean leaves the room and Sam kind of just folds in on himself, helpless and out of ideas.

The older Winchester actually leaves first thing in the morning. Quiet and refusing to eat like the day he and cas first arrived on their doorstep. He promised he’ll call but Jess and Sam both know that he probably never will.

The drive in the Impala is quiet since there’s no music and Dean’s on his own. His plan was to just stop at some motels but he knows he won’t be able to catch any sleep so he just decides to drive all the way at once.

When he reaches the huge house he has to stay in the Impala a little longer since there’s actually light burning and Cas seems to be home. Something the Winchester hoped would not be the case.  
After a few long minutes he finally steps outside and makes his way up to the door. After taking a deep breath he finally knocks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just realised all my chapters seem kinda short but yay...


	11. January 5th, 1974

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is more or less close to an end. Buuut like I mentioed in a chapter before I'm already starting to beta read and add some details.  
But enjoy this chapter!

Castiel opens the door only to stare into the Winchester’s face. “What are you doing here Dean?” Cas asks in an angry tone and he doesn’t miss the fact that Dean flinches a little but seems to recover really fast.  
“I- Cas I’m sorry. I fucked up and-” “It’s not your fault Dean. And I want you to know that this is not your fault. But I can’t do this.” the Novak has to hold back his tears when he looks up and into Dean’s face. His eyes water and it’s visible how he desperately tries to keep that ever existing mask on his face.  
“We- we could try it again Cas. I know we can do it, please don’t leave me. I- I need you.” Dean’s voice is a whisper and Castiel really has to try to keep up his facade and not let it crumble in front of Dean.  
He feels like a total asshole but he knows he can’t keep helping Dean if he ever even did.  
“I’m sorry Dean. It’s over. I can’t do this.” “Cas-” Dean’s voice breaks and tears start rolling down his cheeks, his shoulders are trembling and the Novak fears that the Winchester might break down and just crumble to the ground.  
“I’m sorry Dean. I lo-” “Stop! Fucking stop it!” Dean whisper yells since his voice is still gone before he turns around and walks back to the Impala, gets inside and drives away without looking back. Not noticing how Castiel finally lets himself break while watching the Impala disappear in the distance.  
He fucked up. He really did and he couldn’t even make it right when he got the chance to. And now he lost Dean.

The Impala comes to a stop and he’s on the floor puking his guts out only a few seconds later. His chest feels like someone wrapped a thick rope around and just pulled it tight, and there’s a lump in his throat not letting in any new air. He dry heaves again and tries to get that much need oxygen in his lungs but his body just doesn’t cooperate. He slumps against the Impala when everything slowly turns to black.  
When the Winchester wakes up he needs a moment to actually figure out where he is before he remembers what happened and sighs in relief when he realizes that the tightness in his chest is gone. The lump in his throat is still there but it’s bearable.  
Dean heaves himself back onto the drivers seat of the Impala and rests his forehead against the steering wheel. He doesn’t even know where to go now. Cas really doesn’t want him and he can’t just go back to Jess and Sam and annoy them.  
Before he can even think about holding back his tears they roll down his cheeks and silent sobs start shaking his whole body. Everything hurts, his chest isn’t tight but it just hurts too much to draw in a deep breath, and he feels a headache building up.  
“Fuck.” he whispers and sits back in the seat. “Fuck!” he yells, punching the steering wheel and his breathing becomes faster but this time he realizes it soon enough to get it back to normal. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. In. Hold. Out. He repeats as long as it takes him to calm down enough to not end up having a panic attack again and starts the motor to look for a motel before it gets dark.

**January 15th, 1974**

Castiel nearly sprints to the phone as soon as it starts ringing worried something could’ve happened to Dean. He already feels guilty and regrets ending his relationship with Dean but he knows, no he hopes, that this is the right way. “Hello?” “Cas? Hey, it’s Sam.” “Is Dean with you?” “No he took off. A few days ago actually. I thought he was with you.” “He was here Sam. A few days ago, long enough to be back with you and Jess by now.” “Castiel, listen to me. I know you needed some time on your own and that’s perfectly fine. But ou have to find Dean! I mean it. You know how his brain is wired, even before the war.” “Sam, I can’t do it. I really can’t.” Castiel whispers and he can hear the younger Winchester sigh on the other end? “At least try to get him back here with Jess and me. He must be in your area as far as I know him.” “I’ll try Sam. But I’m no magician and he can’t stay here with me. I don’t want it get even worse.” “Trust me Castiel it cannot get worse.” Sam spits out before he just hangs up the phone.  
“Crap.” Cas mutters before he storms into the bedroom to pack a few things in case it’ll take a few days to find the Winchester.

“Hey man, you should really go home, you look done.” the bartender leans forward and pulls the Whiskey away from Dean. “No, I’m fine.” his voice is raspy and his tongue feels heavier than usual. “Kid, come on. You shouldn’t keep drinking like that.” the bartender’s voice is soft and Dean lets his forehead fall onto the bar. “Did you drive here?” Dean slowly shakes his head which is still resting on the bar. “Kiddo, is there anyone who could pick you up?” “He hates me.” the Winchester whispers his voice gone and his mind starting to drift off. “At least get me his number so that he can get you somewhere safe. Would you leave with him kiddo?” the bartender asks after grabbing the phone and Dean nods lightly. Why does his whole body feel so heavy? He can’t remember having that many drinks.  
He writes down the number and the bartender makes the call, actually reaches someone, talks for a minute before hanging up again.  
“That the guy you’ve been here with the past few days?” Dean shakes his head. He tries to lift it but only manages to let it rest on his arm. His mind starts to get flooded with memories of the war mixing with memories from before and after and he has to really try to keep his breathing under control. He’s not gone far enough to just get a panic attack in a bar full of people.  
“Dean?” he knows that voice, it’s Cas’. He can’t even think straight anymore his mind screaming at him and he can’t hold back the tears in his eyes. It seems to happen way too many times these days, not like he can control it. He can’t really control anything anymore since he came back.  
“You are?” he hears the bartenders voice through some kind of fog. He’s about to answer when he realizes that the bartender is not walking to him but to Cas who is now standing right next to him.  
“I’m Castiel Novak, we talked on the phone.” the bartender doesn’t say anything anymore but Dean feels how he leaves to give him and Cas some space.  
“Dean, can you look up?” his voice is tender and soft and it nearly makes the Winchester cry even more. “I’ve missed you so much Cas, so fucking much.” he whispers and has to close his eyes completely when a wave of dizziness hits him. “Dean-” Cas’ voice breaks which makes Dean look up at him. “Don’t you fucking dare say ‘I love you’!” the Winchester seems surprisingly sober in a sudden and Castiel flinches back a little. “You left me alone. You told me to leave and I don’t wanna hear it Castiel. I can’t!” the Winchester actually gets up and sways a little before he walks to the door and leaves the bar.  
“What the fuck, Dean? How many drinks did you have?” Castiel finally managed to leave the bar as well and met Dean leaning against the Impala. His face looks sweaty and pale in the overhead light of the few street lamps and he sways heavier then before.  
Since the Winchester never answers his question he just guides him into the Impala and closes the door aft him before he gets in himself.  
“Dean, I’m gonna take you to our- my house. You can head to Sam and Jess in a day or two.” “Why do I have to leave? Cas we can work it out. I know we can.” Dean nearly whimpers, definitely sounding drunk now and it breaks Castiels heart. But he is set on his decision. He can’t do it anymore. He misses Dean. His Dean. The Dean before that stupid war. The Dean that never came back.  
“It doesn’t work out.” he states dryly before he puts the car into drive and heads for the house which actually is not that far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't get why all my chapters seem so freaking short xD


	12. January 6th, 1974

“Good morning Dean.” Castiel comes into the living room and sits down in front of the sofa Dean insisted on spending the night on. “Morning.” he mumbles and slowly sits up. His head is pounding but it gets better after a seconds and he looks at the Novak in front of him.  
“I made you some breakfast.” he mumbles before he gets up and leaves the room again. He just can’t stand to be around the Winchester longer than possible. He’s afraid he might break down and confess his still existing love for Dean over and over again but he can’t let that happen. It’s not gonna help either of them.  
“Do you have some coffee?” the Winchester asks as soon as he enters the kitchen and Cas has to shake his head. He usually doesn’t drink coffee and never bothered to buy any since he left at Sam’s.  
“Cas.” Dean starts after minutes of silence and the Novak looks up from his sport in front of Dean. “What is it?” “I gotta tell you something. After you- After I left here I got some small motel room and I went to that bar you picked me up from.” the Winchester stops and takes a deep breath. “I- I had something with another guy.” he breathes out and he feels how the tension in the room gets thicker.  
Dean doesn’t know what he expected. Maybe Cas freaking out, yelling at him, maybe even crying or at least looking hurt. But the Novaks face is calm and he just looks at Dean.  
“Alright. We aren’t together anymore Dean, I can’t forbid you to meet other men.” he tries to let his voice stay calm and not break but it’s more difficult than he thought.  
“No, Cas, you don’t get it. I had something with him. We didn’t just fool around.” Dean’s voice gets quieter in the end. “Did you- fuck.” the Novak can’t hold back his tears and hides his face in his palms his shoulders shaking. “Cas, I’m so sorry. I-” “Stop it Dean, you should leave.” Cas rasps out which actually surprises the Winchester but he doesn’t question it. “If that’s what you want.” “Yes.” “Than I’m sorry I bothered you. Thanks for the breakfast and all that.”  
Dean gets up, pulls ten dollars out of his pocket and lays them on the table.  
“I guess we’ll see each other again sometime.” he whispers. “I sure hope not.” he hears Castiels quiet voice and has to force himself to not break down here and now but at least leave the house and never look back.

He makes it around twenty miles before the thought of just speeding and driving the car against a tree or something crawls into his mind making him dizzy. His mind is full of voices, mostly Cas’s telling him how stupid and naive he is for thinking he could ever be loved, and the car sways a little but the Winchester gets it back onto the road. He can’t do that to Sammy, at least not without properly saying goodbye.  
After a hundred miles he pulls the car onto the grass next to the room puts it in park and gets out. He needs fresh air and something to quieten his mind since the music in the radio stopped working miles ago.  
The view over the valley in front and kind of under him is amazing. He didn’t realize he was on a cliff when he first pulled over but that knowledge somehow calms him down now.  
He steps closer to the edge and looks down at some kind of forest next to a small river.  
When the thought to just jump crawls into his mind he takes a huge step back. Scared even though it just sounds peaceful to him but maybe that’s what scares him the most.  
He walks back to his car and realizes he hold his breath when he sits down behind the steering wheel again and breathes out.

The next few hours go by in blur of emptiness and the urge to just drive the car against something. But he makes it to some crappy motel to spend the night at.  
He finds a payphone right outside his room and at first he accidentally dials Cas’ number but realizes it before he presses the call button. He deletes it and finally dials Sam’s who could’ve been waiting right in front of the phone as fast as he picks up.  
“Hello?” “Sammy?” Dean whispers and he can hear a sigh on the other end. “Dean? Where are you? Are you alright?” Sam and his endless string of questions. “I’m fine Sammy. Don’t worry. I’m at some crappy motel, I don’t even know where. But I’m heading to yours and Jess’ if that’s alright with you two.” “Yes, Dean that’s totally fine. Do you know when you’ll be here?” “I could make it tomorrow if I start driving early.” “Don’t stress yourself alright?” “I won’t. I promise.” and they both hang up.   
Dean slowly walks back into his motel room having to gather all the strength he has left now to not just fall to the ground and never get up again.  
The Winchester isn’t sure how he’s supposed to get any sleep that night. He’s never spent a night alone after he came back. It wasn’t always Cas lying next to him but he at least had some one to reassure him that everything is alright.  
Dean takes a fast shower and just lets himself fall into the bed. He just has to fall asleep before he starts thinking again. Because if that happens he’s probably not gonna get any sleep at all.

He wakes up from the sound of machine guns being fired and has to look twice to realize that he’s in the motel room he must have fallen asleep a few hours ago. Dean swings his legs over the edge of the bed and lets his gaze settle o the small window where he can watch the sun rising. He takes a look at the clock hanging over the headboard of the bed and chuckles in relief. It’s a little after 8:00 and he actually managed to sleep through without any nightmares until now.  
The Winchester makes his way into the bathroom, washes his face and puts on some clean clothes before he grabs his bag, locks the door behind him, pays for the room, gets into the Impala, looks for a nice diner to eat breakfast at and then settles for the last miles to Sam’s apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that the chapters are still really short. But I wanna bring this story to an end an then make it more detailed and longer. But that's always easier for me when it's already written.


	13. January 17th, 1974

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter.  
!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!  
There is heavy talk of suicide and more in it. Please consider to not read this chapter if this triggers you.  
If you want a summary of this chapter, just comment or something and I'll give you one.

_Dear Cas,_

_I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter since you made clear that you don’t want anything to do with me. But here goes nothing._

_It’s January 17th and I arrived at Sam’s an hour ago. I don’t know if this information is anywhere near important._

_I don’t want to be the one who keeps running after you and all that shit but I think you need to know that I still love you and that’s never going to change. No matter how much you push me away._

_It’s January 19th and Sam and I spent the last two days looking for some stuff for the guest room since it’s supposed to be mine now. I hate being such a burden to him but I can’t do that alone._

_I’m sorry for how it ended between us. I never wanted us to turn out like this. But it seems like you’re set on your decision._

_This letter is not supposed to get you back to me. I know it sounds harsh but I don’t want you if you come back to me out of pity. I hate being pitied._

_I’m sorry that I sometimes couldn’t do simple things but I guess that happens when they sent you to hell. Or Vietnam. Or just fucking war in general. I’m sorry Cas._

_It’s January 21th and I fucking hate you Cas. I really hate you. Why did you leave in the first place? What did I do wrong? Sam keeps saying that you missed me but I’m right here Cas. Right here. Maybe I’m little more fucked up than before that hellhole but I’m right fucking here and you’re an asshole._

_I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that. But there’s that anger inside of me. And I would cross it out but I don’t think you’ll ever get that letter since I’m a coward so there’s no need to cross it out, right?_

_I feel like I’m going insane here Cas. Kinda funny since I didn’t think I could get more insane but guess life will always surprise me._

_It’s around 4am and I hate myself. I’m a fuck up, ain’t I? That’s funny, I think._

_I actually tried to call you last evening but you didn’t answer and Sam left his liquor cabinet open so here I am now._

_I can’t fall asleep as easy anymore. There’s no one here to distract me from thinking. So the alcohol will have to do it. Better than nothing. Not like it’s really helping. But not like I actually care. It’s January 24th now. And I don’t know if you remember but it’s my birthday. I’m a year older now. I’ll be waiting for your call. I know you hate me but maybe you can just tell me a Happy Birthday. Not like I care. I don’t care about you Castiel._

_I’ve waited all day and you never called so I guess it’s actually over now._

_But don’t think I didn’t have fun today because I did. Jess taught me how to do like five different kind of Burger and they actually tasted good. You really missed out. Sam took me to that huge lake five miles from here and we spent the whole afternoon there. And he actually invited Jo and Bobby. I think I’ve told you about them. But in case you forgot. Bobby’s like my uncle and Jo’s one of my best friends._

_You really missed out man and I’m still waiting for your call. You got three hours left. I love you Cas._

_Fuck you Castiel. I hate you. Why do you have to make me hate myself even more? What did I ever do wrong? What did I ever do to you? Do I really deserve you treating me like this? It’s January 25th and you couldn’t even bother to make one call._

_We wanted to get married. Do you remember? You asked me. After everything that happened. And I still have the ring. I don’t wear it but I still have it. And I saw hat my dog tags are gone and I figured you took them._

_I don’t know why you’d need them but I don’t want them back. They were a pain in the ass anyway._

_I miss you Cas. I really miss you. And I want you back._

_I thought hating you would be easier but I can’t even hate you right. I can’t do anything right these days._

_We were so freaking happy Cas. Besides all that shit with people hating our relationship. We were happy and I don’t know what got you thinking that we wouldn’t get that happiness back._

_Maybe it’s my fault. But please don’t hate me for something I don’t have any control over. That’s fucking cruel man. (January 30th)_

_I had a flashback today Cas. It was really bad. Sam tried to get me out of it on his own but he had to call the ambulance. They nearly kept me there. But I refuse to be just another insane soldier with shell shock. I’m not out of my mind, just a little fucked up._

_But I actually knew I’d be getting a flashback today. It’s February 20th. Jeremy’s birthday. I miss him Cas. So much. I mean I couldn’t save him._

_We visited his grave today. His family was there too. He has a daughter. She’s eight and really sweet. I think she would’ve liked you._

_I don’t even know what triggered that stupid flashback. But one second I was standing on the graveyard and the next I was on the floor next to Jeremy who tried to stop the bleeding from a bullet wound in my leg while people kept shooting all around us. Well I thought I was back there. And it got out of control and no one knew what to do. Sam said it lasted for 30 minutes or so. Even after the ambulance arrived. He was really freaked out. I’ve never seen him like that before._

_He acted like a mother hen after that. He wouldn’t leave me alone. Jess had to tell him that he should get some sleep and all that after he didn’t listen to me. I miss you Cas. So much. I love you._

_It’s May 2nd now and Sam’s birthday. It’s already 10pm but whatever._

_I don’t know why he likes walking around lakes so much but hat’s basically all we did today. I’ve wanted to take him to some bar and actually celebrate but he just wanted to walk around that stupid lake all day. And Jess was totally in. Sometimes they’re just freaks and they definitely belong together._

_Cas, the nightmares started again. They are worse than ever. And I always wake up Sam and Jess. I think I should move so I don’t wake them up all the time._

_It’s been half a year since you left and I think I finally got why you did it. I am difficult to handle now, I know. But don’t think that all of this is easy for me. I don’t like those nightmares. Man I fucking hate them. As much as I hate those stupid flashbacks._

_But I now get that maybe you just couldn’t bear to see me like this. And I understand now. I never came back from Vietnam. But I don’t think I’ll ever be completely back Cas. I don’t think you get how difficult this shit is._

_People either think I’m insane or just want attention. There is no one who can help me but me. But I need you. Cas, I really, really need you right now._

_Hey Cas, I haven’t been sleeping in two days because of the nightmares. They are not all from the war. Sometimes I just close my eyes and I see your smile, your bright eyes and it hurts so fucking much. It’s worse than war. So much worse._

_I miss you. I want you to come back to me. It got worse b ut I’m better than the day I came back. We could start over man. Maybe even have a nice little family some day. We could live in a farmhouse with a white picket fence and a cat or something. I know you love cats. Maybe they’ll change the laws and we could actually marry._

_I still have that ring. I started wearing it on a necklace. And I bet you still have my dog tags. And I bet you miss me as much as I miss you. And I’m sorry I’m not the exact same person anymore but I think I am at a point where we could really work it out. I really want to work it out Cas. I love you._

_Dear Cas,_

_it’s August 1st and I think this will be the last paragraph I’ll write in this letter._

_I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to die. I really don’t. But I don’t want to live like this. I can’t live without you. I thought I could do it but it just doesn’t work out._

_The flashbacks are worse than ever. I get panic attacks over little things all the time. And I’m barely sleeping because of the nightmares and you and I don’t know._

_It’s all planned out Cas. I sprained my elbow in a wrestling match with Sammy. Anyway, they prescribed me pain killers and Sammy got them a few hours ago. I won’t do it tonight. Sam and Jess are here. But they’ll be gone in four days for an overnight trip. Our anniversary. Such a coincidence. Anyways. That’s when I’ll have time. I think I’ll get drunk and then just end it. I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m sick of that constant pain in my whole body. No matter what I do it won’t get away._

_But Cas, please don’t be mad at me for giving up. I know that’s what I’m doing. But I tried. I tried. I really did. I actually held out longer than I thought. Maybe I didn’t do it sooner because of Sammy. But he has Jess. He’ll get over it. And you will too. If You even care which I doubt._

_I did my fucking best. And I want you to live the live you’ve always dreamed of._

_All my lovin’, darlin’_

_I love you, Cas._

_Dean._

Castiel slowly sets the letter onto the table in front of him. His cheeks are wet with tears and he looks at the calendar on the wall next to him. August 5 th . “Dean.” he breathes out. He runs to the telephone and dials Sam’s number as fast as possible. He was an asshole. And now he could be the reason for Dean’s-  _“Hello?” _ “Dean?”  _“Cas? That you?” “Yes, _ Dean I’m right here.”  _“I didn’t think you’d call I-” _ a coughing fit  interrupts the Winchester and it takes him a minute to calm down.

“Dean. Listen to me. Did you take any of the painkillers?” _“All of them. Cas, I took all of them. Didn’t even need to get drunk. Barely got to the phone but I thought it was Sammy.” _Dean rasps out and now Castiel finally hears how beaten the Winchester sounds. “I’ll hang up on you and call an ambulance!” “_No, Cas please stay with me. I don’t wanna die.”_ the Winchester’s voice is nothing more than a whisper now. “Dean you’ll live if I call-” _“No Cas, it’s too late. I took them like fifteen minutes ago. I’m surprised I’m still sitting.”_ the Novak can hear Dean chuckle on the other end and panic surges through him. It makes his knees weak and he crumbles to the ground. “This is all my fault.” he whispers, more to himself, but Dean obviously heard him. _“Don’t Cas. Just don’t.” _“Dean, try to throw up the pills.” _“It doesn’t work Cas. I’m dizzy. Like really dizzy.” _he adds in a small voice right before Castiel hears a thump from the other end. “Dean!” _“Sorry, I fell over. Everything’s spinning Cas. Please make it stop.” _“You have to throw up Dean. Try it. Please!” he cries bt stops when he hears a whisper coming from Dean. _“I love you Cas. Don’t forget that. I never fell out of love with you.” _“I love you too Dean. So much.” Cas whispers but the only answer he gets is silence. Horrible silence. And he can hear his blood rushing through his body, surrounding him like there’s nothing else.

“I’m so sorry. I am an asshole and nothing I’ll say will make it alright again. But I love you so much Dean.”

Silence.

“Dean?”

Silence.

“Dean.”

Silence.

“Dean!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. Finally. I gotta say I like this story and I'm not completely done since I'm still not a hundred percent happy with it. But I'm getting there.  
I hoped you enjoyed reading. Even though it's no happy ending. (But I hate happy endings)  
Thanks for all the reads, comments and kudos, I really appreciate them.


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